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Valentine’s Day Hangover: The Most Fucked Up Couples On Screen

That fashionable corporate holiday is finally over and what better way to celebrate it by beating a dead horse? It has all been said and done by nearly every horror writer on the planet but there are a few romantic horror stories that seem to fall from the cracks so I am here to bring you my personal favorite mind-fucking, dysfunctional couples. When we’re discussing disastrous fictional couples, a few classics come to mind; King Kong, Bride of Frankenstein, every God damn couple in Tim Burton’s movies, Gale and Dewey, Seth Brundle and Veronica Quaife, Micky and Mallory Knox, and the best couple on the list – Dracula and Mina. Not today! Here are ten couples that you rarely see on anyone’s list.

*Note: There are spoilers and I’m sure at least two of these are on your list but they’re worth mentioning again!

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Suicide Squad Harley Quinn & The Joker

Naturally, I have to start off with The Joker and Harley Quinn seeing how Suicide Squad is right around the corner. There’s a lot of psychology that goes into this relationship. No, really. Harley Quinn was The Joker’s psychiatrist but this backfires. If you read the comics or watched the critically acclaimed animated TV series then it’s obvious the two have sexual tension but if anything, Harley Quinn is just another one of The Joker’s victims after he brainwashed her and drove her absolutely bat shit crazy. It’s pathetic. This woman has gone out of her way to be by his side through all the chaos. She does everything she can to show how much she loves him but he only sees her as another one of his toys. However, behind the scenes photos show the two kissing so maybe he’s not completely dead inside and there’s something there after all. The two are dynamite together but could very well be horrible for each other.

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Death Becomes Her: Mad and Hell

Homoerotic horror films is another beaten horse but no one ever mentions Death Becomes Her! The boiling relationship between Mad and Hell (Love the nicknames) is one of the most frightening friendships in history. The two become fixated with hurting each other. Stealing the men in their lives was only foreplay. Blasting holes through each others stomachs and taking shovels to their heads followed. Bruce Willis becomes the man standing between the two who has taken it upon himself to care for the girls as they chip and peel until he comes to grips with his sanity and manages to escape. As for the ladies, they’re stuck with each other forever. This is only a theory but the die-hard obsession between the two just SCREAMS homo.

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Blue Velvet: Frank & Dorothy

The sadism and masochism between Frank and Dorothy is a bitter pill to swallow. Frank is obsessed with the nightclub singer who grows fond of the sadistic sexual torment. He rapes and beats her when he’s not busy torturing her husband and kidnapping her son. Frank inhales some unknown source through a mask and calls Dorothy ‘Mommy’ while he’s raping her then insists she call him ‘Daddy.’ We are never given a background story on Frank so his motives are hard to decipher. Dorothy begins a relationship with the film’s protagonist Jeffrey Beaumont. Even in this dysfunctional relationship, she begs for Beaumont to give her a good smacking. With Beaumont’s help, Dorothy has a happy ending with her son. It’s too bad about her husband.

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Interview With a Vampire: Louis & Claudia

Louis becomes a father figure for Claudia after turning her into a vampire. He happens upon her crying over her dead mother who succumbed to the plague but it was Lestat who manipulated him into turning her. The relationship between the two is easily up for interpretation but if you read the books and dig deep into the character’s actions, it’s clear that Louis feels for her as she matures into a woman, mentally. She will always have the body of a child but she’s highly sophisticated. As innocent as she appears, Claudia is hostile which results in her heartbreaking death. Seriously, am I the only one that cries every time? There are several complex relationships throughout the Anne Rice series. Lestat feels for Louis and Armand falls in love with him. Can you imagine? Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas having hot sex!

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Nekromantik: Betty & Robert

This movie is hard for me to watch because suckling eye balls and fucking a steel pipe attached to a rotting corpse (gross) is not appealing to me and I’m into some pretty obscene shit. The sequel goes even further. No ma’am! However, I have to give props to this unique couple. After Robert’s demise, Betty still has the feels to dig up his body and take it home for a shag. If you’re into necrophilia, give this romp a go.

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In the Mouth of Madness: Mr. & Mrs. Pickman

This is undoubtedly one of the most underrated horror films. Seeing this movie for the first time when I was ten, Frances Bay scared the ever-living-shit out of me. Mr. and Mrs. Pickman have a very special relationship. The lovely couple owns The Pickman Hotel where Lady Pickman handcuffs her husband every evening and proceeds to chop the poor old bastard into pieces as she transforms into some Lovecraftian creature which should make it obvious why I adore this movie so. This story line was influenced by Lovecraft’s Pickman family in “Pickman’s Model.” This Lovecraft short was published in 1927 in an issue of Weird Tales. It was also adapted for television in an episode of The Night Gallery, which I have not seen. However, Mr. and Mrs. Pickman were not original characters out of Lovecraft’s stories. The only relation is the hotel and moving paintings where the evil continues to grow.

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Possession: Anna & Mark

Director Andrzej Zulawski based this disturbing jumble on his real life divorce and it’s set against the horrors of The Cold War which provided a bleaker look at this paragon. Technically, it’s not a horror film. There is in fact a monster. There are doppelgangers and child death but it’s nothing more than an arthouse drama. Possession centers around an unhealthy marriage. Anna tells Mark that she wants a divorce. It gets ugly and not in a War of Roses kind of way. Suspicions of adultery arise then the two come head to head with electrical carving knives. They beat the crap out of each other and in between all of this madness, Anna goes into some sort of nervous breakdown complete with spasms and bizarre noises that look like something out of a possession film. Ignore the film’s title. It’s a metaphor. That infamous ‘possession’ scene provides what they refer to as a miscarriage but she clearly gives birth to this ‘thing’ then proceeds to fuck it. Happy Valentines Day!

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Santa Sangre: Alma & Fenix

This twisted circus side-show remains a favorite in my collection. Alejandro Jodorowsky’s work of art is based on a Mexican serial killer, loosely based. It’s filled with rich symbolism though the character study is poor. Fenix grew up in the circus life with a murderous master of ceremonies for a father and a crazed cult leader for a mother who gets her arms chopped off by his father. His only friend is a dwarf and Alma, a mute mime. The two are separated and he’s placed in a mental hospital until he breaks loose and goes on a killing spree while Alma is in search for her long-lost friend after escaping her abusive whore of a mother. It’s a match made in heaven. There’s also the whole Norman Bates Freudian psychotherapy with Fenix and his mom but I prefer to stray from that topic.

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Game of Thrones: Ygritte & Jon Snow

Bring on the tissues! Fucking George R.R. Martin. The Wildlings were free folk that would often steal their wives from the wall. After Snow kills Orell and captures Ygritte, she believes that she is now his and he belongs to her. Ygritte echos, “Like the night you stole me. The thief was bright that night.” However, Snow had no intentions on stealing her or ever falling in love with her. His intent was to kill until he discovered she was a woman. The brother’s of the Night’s Watch have sworn celibacy so Snow continues to resist her but being the Wildling hottie that she is, he fails this oath and eventually falls in love with her. George R.R. Martin being the serial killer that he is kills her character off but even after her death, Snow refuses sexual advances from other women, claiming Ygritte as his one true love. We’re left with what looks like the end of Jon Snow but I’m betting that crazy woman who had the demon baby brings him back to life.

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Twin Peaks: Bobby & Shelly

Let’s face it, all the couples on this schizophrenic show are fucked. It’s hard to pick just one. Shelly Johnson is my favorite character and the copious amounts of horse shit she has to suffer through takes the cake. I mean, I could have settled with Nadine who becomes a middle-aged cheerleader with an eye patch and a cradle robber but it’s my least favorite story line. Any who, Shelly is a drop out that works at the Double R Diner when she’s not catering to her husband who insists on beating her over every asinine thing. Her husband was also one of the last people to see Laura Palmer alive, the dead girl Twin Peaks is centered around. Shelly is having an affair with the insanely adorable but mind-numbingly stupid Bobby Briggs who use to date Laura. Bobby is a drug dealer but he’s kind and genuinely cares for Shelley. Lucky for these two, Shelly’s husband eventually ends up in a catatonic state so they get to carry on their relationship in between diaper changes.

About The Author
Rebekah Herzberg
Rebekah Herzberg
VHS collector, horror fanatic, and lover of the 80's neon night life. I once ate a Texas BBQ burger compiled with Mac and cheese and fried green beans. I celebrate Hanukkah.

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