That fashionable corporate holiday is finally over and what better way to celebrate it by beating a dead horse? It has all been said and done by nearly every horror writer on the planet but there are a few romantic horror stories that seem to fall from the cracks so I am here to bring you my personal favorite mind-fucking, dysfunctional couples. When we’re discussing disastrous fictional couples, a few classics come to mind; King Kong, Bride of Frankenstein, every God damn couple in Tim Burton’s movies, Gale and Dewey, Seth Brundle and Veronica Quaife, Micky and Mallory Knox, and the best couple on the list – Dracula and Mina. Not today! Here are ELEVEN (See what I did there?) couples that you rarely see on anyone’s list with a couple that you may see on every list.
*REMINDER OF SPOILERS BELOW*
“The world’s more interesting with you in it.”
Everyone’s favorite refined cannibal had a soft spot for Clarice Sterling, the officer working the Buffalo Bill case. He’s a psychopath with a genius IQ who craves respect… And liver with a side of Fava beans and a nice Chianti. She’s a lamb traumatized destitute who has had to fight hard for everything she has. Lector and Clarice have an understanding. A loyalty with tremendous appreciation for one another. The books dig deeper with a disturbing romance which evolves into something a little more physical but in the films their feelings are confined. Unfortunately, I missed the television series and did you know that there’s actually an XXX parody? I dug a little deeper (researching like a boss) and I was disappointed to find that their post-coital activities exclude glossing Fava beans and Chianti over each others bare naked bodies. I have problems…
“Hey, what the fuck are you doing in my room?”
I could disgorge a plethora of horror films with homosexual overtones and easily dissect same sex tension onscreen for days. Jim and Brandon in Witchboard always comes to mind. One even dies in the others arms but when it comes to homosexual overtones in horror A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge takes the lead with Jesse and Grady. Now, Mark Patton may be a homosexual in real life (The sweetest might I add) but that is just a small fraction of how queer this sequel is. There’s a Probe game lingering in the background and an S&M bar scene followed by Freddy tying Jesse’s gym teacher up in the showers and slapping his bare ass with towels. There were constant gags behind the scenes which lead to inside jokes that are placed in the background and let’s not forget the debagging playfulness between the two guys during PHYS ED. Jesse does have a love interest but he leaves her hanging and goes straight into Grady’s bed screaming, “Something is trying to get inside my body!” To which Grady responds, “Yeah and she’s female and she’s waiting for you in the cabana and you want to sleep with me.” According to David Chaskin, Freddy coming out of Jesse’s body was a metaphor for repressed homosexuality.
There isn’t much that I can say about Father McGruder and Nurse McTavish. In this zombie rom-com this flesh-eating duo bangs in the kitchen while McTavish chews his face off and it isn’t long before Nurse McTavish gives birth to an uncontrollable zombie baby. Dead Alive, also known as Braindead is one of the nastiest movies ever made. It’s hilarious but I always have to make sure I am not eating while viewing. The lawnmower massacre of zombies was pretty righteous though…
“That Russian cannibal creep is telling everyone he did 50 plus. That reflects badly on both of us, Patty. This record should be held by an American.”
Patricia and Johnny are a couple of kittenish psychopaths who always get shanked on these lists. They’re mass-murderers who kill several people in a hospital ward and they carve a number into each victim’s foreheads, hoping to earn the most kills title. Johnny is executed but Patricia in under strict observation due to her being underage. Even in the afterlife Johnny continues his work with Patricia’s crazy ass by his side. If you like this movie then you HAVE to see the director’s cut because we get to see more of Patricia and Johnny’s relationship. For instance, Johnny chased her around the morgue and she would pretend to be scared. It was a game to them. Then they make out on an autopsy table as they smear blood onto each other. I feel this is Dee Wallace’s best performances which is tragic because her husband died while filming.
“I have to kill somebody today so you can eat them, sweetheart. I’m worried about Abby too, but I can’t stop thinking about the murdering and eating thing.”
Netflix’s new hot series stars Drew Barrymoore and Timothy Olyphant as Joel and Sheila. They’re your typical Californian realtors, married with a teenager daughter. That is, until Sheila transforms into the undead by an unknown virus of some sorts? I don’t think they have fully explained the cause. Anyway, it’s a charming but grotesque black comedy and their love for one another is sweet. Sheila can only digest human flesh and Joel is willing to do whatever it takes to keep her belly full. Prepare yourselves for lots and lots of vomit… Like… A lot…
“I never kissed a dead guy before.”
Don’t ask me how this was not on my list the first time around. I have NO idea. This zombie rom-com is underrated and my VHS copy is nearly worn out. It was a hit at all our slumber parties. Me, Jennifer, Ashley, and Kayla couldn’t go a weekend without viewing and wishing we were Traci Lind. Johnny Dingle has been in love with his childhood friend, Missy, since he can remember. Like most of these films Missy has a douche bag for a boyfriend and Johnny fights for her love. He is killed in the process but Missy promises to go to the prom with him as he dies in her arms. He returns to school as a zombie and has to fight the urge to feed on Missy before taking her to prom. This is another classic example of the good guy getting the girl… Even when his ears are falling off and he’s caught eating their classmates. What’s odd to me is that I can sit through Cannibal Holocaust but for whatever reason this movie grosses me out. The intimacy scenes had me feeling uneasy.
Joe D’Amato’s lavish gorefests had become an obsession of mine at a young age and Beyond the Darkness (Buio Omega) happens to be my personal favorite. With the company of Goblin’s score, D’Amato delivers a beautiful and disgusting love story where taxidermist Frank loses his fiance, Anna, in a tragic car accident. Unable to move on, he preserves her body and keeps her around while he breastfeeds from his obsessive housekeeper (DUDE!) and rips the fingernails off of hitchhikers. I recommended this film to several friends who asked for Valentine’s Day horror recommendations and then they told me to go fuck myself after watching. It’s extremely gory. Be warned. The special effects are incredible.
“In your black heart of hearts, you know you’re just like me.”
Not only is it hard to pick a favorite couple from the American Horror Story series but it’s hard to pick a favorite couple from HOTEL alone. This was by far the best season delivered by Ryan Murphy with killer characters, passion, and intense sex scenes. Not to mention, the performances were carried out brilliantly. Lady GaGa won a Golden Globe for her performance as The Countess, also known as Elizabeth, Mr. March’s wife. Most people don’t realize that her character was inspired by The Hunger’s Catherine Deneuve. March built the Hotel Cortez where he carried out several gruesome murders, inspired by H.H. Holmes, and his wife would listen in to the screams for her own amusement. They started out hot and heavy but Elizabeth finds herself bored and irritated by his presence. March is caught and dies in a murder-suicide with his maid while Elizabeth carries on her love affairs. She doesn’t age due to her virus and she must feed off of human blood. March’s ghost is stuck in the hotel and she has an agreement to have dinner with him once a month. The ending is fitting as March finally gets his wish, his wife having dinner with him every single night for eternity. The Countess is doomed to dine with a man she doesn’t love night after night. There’s still something there and I imagine the two continue their carnage together well after 2022.
“I fucking hate grapes!”
It’s a shame this movie is crap because the cover art is exquisite. Damn VHS cover art and their trickery! Still, it should be on your bucket list and it has gained a cult following. It’s hard to find a copy of but it’s definitely on You Tube. Joe is a bartender and Kate is a manicurist. The two fall in love and the kicker is that they’re both serial killers and both of them REALLY hate grapes. It’s a match made in heaven. They attempt to lead a normal lifestyle and no longer feel the need to kill until they’re blackmailed by a cannibalistic plumber. It may be graphic but it’s also a romantic comedy, too many on this list? That being said, it’s mostly bad humor.
“What do you think if we go swim, Angela?”
There’s a short list of films that actually scarred me to death as a child and the ending of Sleepaway Camp takes the cake as we *SPOILER ALERT* see Angela stroking Paul’s decapitated head before she surprises us with her dong and that horrible noise she is making. Those eyes too! Don’t feel bad for Paul. He was a wanker.
“A friend is someone you would do anything for.”
By a bullet, number Eleven on the list! There are two types of people in this world; People who love Stranger Things and people who do not like Stranger Things. How could one not enjoy that opening title and synth score followed by an array of 80s hits like Toto’s “Africa” and The Bangle’s “Hazy Shade of Winter?” I feel as if the people who claim not to like it only dislike it because everyone else loves it so much. The series is a nod to John Carpenter and Stephen King with a Lovecraftian monster and Winona Fucking Ryder in one of her best roles. With Stand By Me, It, and Goonie vibes, the heart of the show is Eleven, a young telekinetic girl who is hiding out in Mike’s basement because his friend has gone missing and he feels Eleven is the key to finding him. Wouldn’t it be most excellent if Stranger Things just kept going and going and us adoring fans get to see their beautiful relationship grow as they age? One can hope. It’s endearing to watch the chemistry which leads to them sitting in a tree… K-I-S-S-I-N-G.