#1 Cheerleader Camp
Director: Mark Quod
Stars: Charlene Tilton, Seth Cassell, Jay Gillespie
In past reviews I have praised and respected The Asylum for their interesting take on mockbusters and intentionally campy and over-the-top storytelling. Though I have really only watched their sci-fi and horror films, I decided to take a stab at watching one of their sex comedies – at least that’s what I think it was supposed to be. I don’t know what the fuck I just watched other than it was BAD. Good Lord, this was torture. I can support other Asylum films, but not this one. This piece of raunchy shit should be burned. Oh, and it was an “Unrated Upskirt Edition.” What the hell is that supposed to be getting at? Is there a rated version out there for a direct-to-DVD release? Is there an Unrated “not upskirt” version? Actually, I don’t give a shit.
The story, if one can call this half-assed attempt at a plot a “story” is about two janitors working at a cheerleader camp. One is a young, failed gymnast named Michael and the other is Andy, a chunky Seth Rogan wannabe who masturbates 10 times a day. I’ve seen porno clips with more depth of character than this shit! At least a porno will give you conflict (oh no! Dad walked home to find the babysitter masturbating!) and resolve that conflict (orgasms). This is nothing but a parade of awful sex jokes and even worse gay jokes. One of these cheerleader teams are called “the beavers,” guess how many puns there are about beavers? I don’t know, because I lost count.
Eventually, after nothing but random nudity and the worst attempts at humor I’ve seen since “[Genre] Movie,” a sort of plot develops. The Beavers don’t have enough members to compete and won’t be able to win the scholarships. The movie then focuses solely on trying to resolve this plot, which makes the entire movie completely unbalanced. The first half is just wandering from perverted shit to perverted shit and then the second half is just plot. I would say that the plot should be priority and these “jokes” spaced evenly throughout, but this isn’t that kind of film. This is one of those movies that airs on late night cable, the ones that are a young teenager’s first introduction to sex that scars their mind and gives them an unrealistic view on sexuality for the rest of their lives. I watched so many of these movies as a young teen, movies with titles like Bikini Summer 2 or Beach Babes From Beyond, movies that basically tell you: “There will be some boobies here but don’t expect anything else.” All the reviews I came across for #1 Cheerleader Camp on Netflix or imdb were written by undersexed teenagers as the majority of them read: “BOOBIES! 5 STARS!” or “Lots of hot naked women! Best movie evah!” Can’t fault Asylum for knowing who their target audience is.
The Asylum is a company that thrives on gullibility and understanding the psychology behind demographics. As much as I hated this movie, they certainly knew what they were doing in making it. Though billed as an “adult comedy,” it was distributed with the full intent of being available on cable where it would be viewed by horny teens. (I can’t complain about this – It’s not Asylum’s fault some parent’s haven’t activated “parental controls” on with their television provider). There are a slew of movies catering to this demographic: the American Pie spinoffs and all those National Lampoon’s sex comedies of the past 10 years. They offer titillating scenarios and almost gives the audience what it wants – after all whose really watching a movie like that for cinematic quality, they just want T&A. The Asylum one-ups those films by actually giving loads of T&A. In fact the reason the first half of the movie is overloaded with such nudity is because halfway through the movie, the target viewer would have blown their load and turned the tv off by that point – the only reason a plot is cobbled together in the last half is just so this can be marketed as a movie instead of just some crap to be uploaded to porno tubes. Instead of making softcore porn with softly lit sex scenes and bad music – this is just a B-movie comedy that has a lot of tits… A LOT of tits. The reason it’s called #1 Cheerleader Camp? because if a cable company is looking through a catalog for some spank movie to fill a 3AM time slot, what’s the first listing? If someone is going through an on demand menu looking for something “racy,” what’s the first listing? I see what you did there, Asylum, outsmarting the alphabet!
As much as I disliked this movie, I can’t completely hate it. It was not made to entertain the way a standard movie would – this was something made for people to masturbate too – people too immature to think “This is stupid. I can just watch a real porno.” As I mentioned before, The Asylum knew their audience when they made this and 5 star reviews reading “lots of boobies,” means that they succeeded in this regard. However, that’s still inexcusable. There is a line in the film Boogie Nights, where Burt Reynolds’ character is describing what porn should aspire to be. He says, “The story should suck them in,” and goes on to explain that he wants to make a movie with such a captivating story that even after the viewer as finished with their business they sit there in their spunk just eager to see how the story ends. Though the porn industry has changed since then, this “faux-porn” industry has not. There is no reason why films like #1 Cheerleader Camp shouldn’t aspire to that same lofty goal – to have a story that pulls the viewer in, give them something else to talk about other than just “has tits.”