Director: Eric Forsberg
Stars: Paul Logan, Tiffany, Barry Williams
I like the Asylum – most of the time. I was really hoping this would be one of those times. Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was just hateful going into this viewing, but I didn’t have fun, couldn’t like this movie. The trailer I saw for this movie before it was released on DVD made it seem like it would be glorious campy fun, like it promised to be the GREATEST B-Movie. Lines like: “It wasn’t terrorists – it was Giant Piranha” or “Florida is being attacked by giant fish with teeth!” Hell, the movie even has Tiffany in it, a woman pretentious enough to believe that people still respect her cover of “I Think We’re Alone Now” to omit go without using her last name. Trailers are supposed to sucker you into wanting to see a movie and I was Mega Piranha’s target audience of geeky fan boys.
So we start, appropriately enough, with piranhas eating someone. Not really, Mega Piranhas yet but they’ll get there eventually I’m sure. Next comes an American ambassador on a crappy riverboat with a Venezuelan official discussing politics while a bunch of hit girls in bikinis lounge about. They are eaten by Mega Piranhas. Special Agent Jason Fitch is sent to Venezuela to investigate this disappearance, find these terrorists and destroy them. He soon suspects that it’s not terrorists, that they died on the river somehow. Fitch’s boss doesn’t want to hear this nonsense that an animal killed the ambassador – he better have a goddamn terrorist. Fitch calls back later and says “It was giant piranha,” and this is accepted without question.
Fitch is aided in his Jihad on all piranha by biologist Sarah Monroe (Tiffany). They autopsy a dead fish and find that the piranha have super thick armor, two hearts and will continue to mutate and grow. No real explanation is given for the mutation of these fish – they just mutate. The fish continue to grow and eat every goddamn thing that comes into their path. They are migrating to the ocean because apparently somebody confused piranhas with fucking salmon. Maybe “Mega Salmon” wouldn’t have been as catchy a title for a horror film but it wouldn’t have been any cheesier than this flick.
Fitch and Sarah continue to fight the Piranha all the way through South America, through the ocean and to the Florida cost. Since they hop the Venezuelan border without proper authorization they are now pursued by Colonel Antonio Diaz. There’s a high-speed car chase through the jungle, throughout which Fitch’s car changes alternately from a Toyota Camry to a Hyandai Elantra with Diaz’s vehicle switches from a GMC Jimmy to a Chevrolet Suburban to a Ford Explorer. Who cares about vehicle continuity – this is a movie about giant fish, right?
Arriving in Florida the piranha are now massive. They eat helicopters, they leap out of the ocean to eat the people inside, its just a crazy mash of CGI fish everywhere. A plan is developed to stop the fish. A team of SCUBA divers equip themselves with high-powered fish guns. Actually these are just NERF guns painted black – you can even see the word NERF still on them. They plan to shoot the fish with these, causing them to bleed. The blood will cause the piranha to go into a feeding frenzy and attack each other while the army drops a fucking NUCLEAR BOMB on them. And this works… but at what cost, my dear friends? What cost? The Florida cost is now irradiated, millions are dead and the survivors will surely develop radiation poisoning or cancer from the nuclear fallout. YOU DON’T KILL FISH WITH NUCLEAR WEAPONS! For fuck’s sake, that’s just getting too goddamn ridiculous. The feeding frenzy was enough, I’d have bought that. Theoretically, only one fish would live so all you have to do at that point is Sparta kick the bastard and shoot it with your NERF gun.
Overall, Mega Piranha could have been fun if I was in a better mood. I spent most of the time looking at the movie with a “Are you fucking serious look?” Everything in this movie was just too ridiculous, even for a film from The Asylum. Example: There is a scene where Fitch is trying to call for help but the cellphone battery is dead. Sarah suggests to him: “Put the battery in your mouth. The saliva in your spit will recharge it.” He does and it works. THIS DOES NOT WORK! I don’t even need to try it to know that it’s just crap they made up. There’s giant fish out there, use them to create suspense – don’t kill a cellphone and have it recharged by spit! That’s Mega Piranha in a nutshell – just a big fishy pile of bullshit – but damn FUN bullshit.