Director: Mario Mancini
Stars: John Richardson, Gordon Mitchell, Renee Romano
1. Terrible copy of a bad VHS transfer
What’s a aspect ratio? Here’s some shots of the film’s opening credits – let’s see if you can figure out what’s wrong:
2. It’s a patchwork person movie
Like the classic Pieces or the terrible piece of crap The Body Shop, or an earlier film on this DVD set, The House That Screamed, this is one of those movies about assembling a person made out of pieces of other persons (Yeah, that’s some awkward sentence structure, but fuck it). I liked Pieces and I liked The House that Screamed but that really is my limit for these “patchwork people” type of stories. Now there is the bit of difference, in this movie that patchwork guy is going around collecting some of his own parts. His patchwork body is rejecting his liver so he just goes out and yanks a new liver from a woman on the street. But what about Blood-types and all that necessary screening information for organ transplants. Well, it don’t matter to this guy.
Now one could argue that the story of Frankenstein that this film is clearly struggling to pay homage to was also a patchwork person story? Not quite. Frankenstein’s monster was just one dead body with a new brain. Also, Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein didn’t wear out it’s story with unnecessary discussions of organ transplants and all that boring “real” medical stuff. Now about this patchwork fellow:
Dr. Frankenstein has made this person from the parts of other people. He’s stolen a special serum from a colleague that prevents bodies from rejecting transplanted organs to make his patchwork person making go along smoother. With all the kidneys and livers and eyes he’s sticking into this man, you think Frankenstein would have given him a tongue at some point? Nope! We end up with dialogue like this.
Mosaic: aaaa. ffff.. arrrr… gggg.
Frankenstein: Yes, Mosaic. That’s right.
Mosaic: uuuuuu hhhh aaaa uuuhhh
Frankenstein: Yes, Mosaic. We will get him soon.
4. The Dubbing
5. This Line
You may have a limp when you walk but I bet you don’t in bed.
What the hell does that mean? How would someone have a limp in bed. They’re laying down, you dumb woman. People only limp when they walk! What kind of terrible excuse for a pick-up line is this.
6. Solving the Mystery
There are some detectives out there looking for Mosaic as well as a newspaper reporter. However, there’s no real detective work that happens. They find a surgical lancet with different sets of fingerprints. Their immediate assumption is “this killer had a hand made out of fingers from different people” Really?! THAT is the only possible theory? Not that “Hmm, maybe more than one person touched this.” These people make more ridiculous leaps of logic than Scooby-Doo’s gang. “Hmm, this crime scene smells faintly of formaldehyde so that must only mean that our killer is a reanimated body made out of the parts of other people.” Nobody thinks that way? It’s a poorly told story with a mystery that is only solved out of convenient plotholes.
So, that’s Frankenstein 80. Glad THAT damning movie is over with. Time to movie on to The House By the Cemetary. Don’t know what’s so scary about that, though. I used to live in a house by a cemetery and never had a problem at all.