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Movies for the Week of April 18th, 2014

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Bears

 

bearsMike White: I was really looking forward to the movie Bears as I’m a big fan of leather daddies but, alas(ka), this movie seems to have nary a leather man in sight.  It’s about real bears with really lame music playing against scenes of them running around through the wilderness.  Didn’t we just see this a few weeks ago when it was called “Lemurs” or something like that?  I’d see this movie if Werner Herzog was narrating it.

Josh Hadley: No Charlton Heston hunting these things? What about Christopher Walken as the villain? No? At least there is no Tim Allen trying to be “funny” in this one… although that still does nothing to make this not seem like something I should be watching on Animal Planet for free.

Glenn Criddle:  Seems like a fairly typical Disney docco. Very pretty cinematography, some semblance of a narrative and cute fluffy bears that will in no way tear out your throat if you get too close then rip you limb from limb before feasting on your still twitching corpse. Bears…. They’re cuddly.

GTY_grizzly_bear_jt_130818_16x9_992

Alex Jowski: I just like the word “bears”

 

Martha Page: I like bears and movies about bears.  I’m fine with this.

Jillian Zurawski: I wonder if there were other “original” bear families being followed for their “epic journey”, but then the baby gets mauled or something horrible happens. “YO TONY! WE GOTTA FIND A NEW BEAR!”  “AWW MAN, AGAIN?!”  Ah well, maybe they’ll put it in the blooper reel…  ;P

da bears

Charles Campbell: Yea, this one has no interest with me whatsoever. I live in Central PA where seeing bears is normal and I could care less on how they live. I just want the bastards to stay out of my trash! Seriously though, I really have no interest in watching this. Plus, after “White Wilderness,” I have a hard time trusting Disney with animals.

Justin Widerski: Wow they are working really hard to sell this movie. Really hard. I gotta admit from a marketing perspective, it’s kind of brilliant as they’re pulling out all the stops to sell this.

  1. Using all the big helicopter shots and bear-fighting to make it look epic
  2. Using words like “Unpredictable,” “Struggle” and “Strength”
  3. Play up the family aspect as much as possible to seduce parents
  4. Add a charity drive to guilt parents

Seriously this is probably just a boring bear documentary that didn’t turn out nearly as interesting as they hoped. So they whipped up this beauty and slapped on “Home,” the current contender for the most over-used pop song in trailers and commercials, to make it feel inspiring. There’s so much buildup about Alaska that when the narrator says “The world of… bears” I almost burst out laughing and immediately wanted this trailer redubbed by Christopher Walken. I obviously won’t be seeing this as I already watched a fantastic bear documentary. It was called Grizzly Man. Check it out if you haven’t, it’s far more worth your time then even watching the trailer for “Bears.”

mister X: where’s BART THE BEAR?!?!?

Bart

that said, looks harmless enuff-something i’ll probably never seek out on purpose but if i stumble across it i’ll give it a watch

About The Author
Matthew Coats
Matthew Coats

Formerly known under the pseudonym of Alex Jowski.
Site owner, movie aficionado, and film school grad. Matthew Coats presents reviews, some written, some as vlogs, and some as weekly shows, for a variety of different movies and television shows. After years of struggling to get his own projects off the ground amidst the normal routine of living, Matthew Coats decided to create a site in order to share and promote movie reviews, video games and much much more from talented and original people all across the internet.

19 Comments
  • jwiderski
    April 18, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    I can’t tell if Josh redacted himself for the sake of saving Jowski the trouble or if it was just so disturbing Jowski couldn’t let it go

  • Adam
    April 18, 2014 at 4:12 pm

    Fine jillian here cowboy bebop .hack futurama

    • Mistress J
      Mistress J
      April 18, 2014 at 4:48 pm

      ok then! Now… well even though you didn’t specify WHICH .hack// -i’ll still give you full credit on that, so your total is +12,000 minion points! I’ll waive your initial infraction we discussed earlier elsewhere… BUT for not referring to your Mistress formally & properly, i must deduct -10,000 MINION points… bringing your grand total to an award of +2000 minion points. ;) #SoSayethTheMistress

  • Charley McMullen
    Charley McMullen
    April 18, 2014 at 5:50 pm

    I say whoever misses the Trailer Park deadline has to post it here in the comments. That’s a thing now. Anyway…

    TRANSCENDENCE —

    I don’t know about this one. The anti-technology terrorist group is a nice twist and, I could be wrong, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen this kind of story tackled this particular way before. I like Johnny Depp, and this one seems a lot like The Astronaut’s Wife, which plenty of people hated, but not me. If anything, I’ll see this just to understand what the fuck it’s about.

    Also, where are the other trailers?

    • Hipster Jillian Says:
      Hipster Jillian Says:
      April 18, 2014 at 7:05 pm

      “I was posting my missed reviews in the comments befoooore Charley said it was cool!” ;)

  • Charley McMullen
    Charley McMullen
    April 18, 2014 at 6:01 pm

    Here it is. Kinda wish I hadn’t found it now. Anyway…

    A HAUNTED HOUSE 2 —

    It has not been long enough since the first A Haunted House for an unwanted and unnecessary sequel, so my opinion of lowest common denominator bullshit movies going after the easiest laughs with as little effort as possible hasn’t really changed in the past few months. The additions of Daniel Tosh and Gabriel Iglesias don’t help, as they are right up there with Jeff Dunham and Larry the Cable Guy in terms of hack, pandering comedians who owe their success to the ever-increasing segment of the population who appreciate stupid jokes because they can be easily understood by stupid people. Not understanding a Kardashian reference should be worn like a badge of honor.

  • Charley McMullen
    Charley McMullen
    April 18, 2014 at 6:08 pm

    BEARS —

    It’s a documentary, which is hard to fuck up, but it’s a DISNEY documentary, so the animals are humanized to the point of being obnoxious because Disney thinks that’s the only way the audience will give a shit. And, considering all the mouth-breathers out there who are going to see A Haunted House 2, they’re probably right.

    I don’t know how much money went to the marketing guy who titled the movie, but it was too much.

  • Charley McMullen
    Charley McMullen
    April 18, 2014 at 6:20 pm

    HEAVEN IS FOR REAL —

    I stopped taking this seriously when it was said that it’s based on a true story. It’s based on a kid who told a story that may be true, or may be bullshit. The truth of stories is based on proof, and this movie doesn’t have any. I envy all the Christians out there who are able to take comfort in this and illicit some kind of ease regarding humanity’s place in the universe. I’m not really a believer in any of this, though. It’s going to take more than a Greg Kinnear movie to make me stop supporting the separation of Church and Cinema.

  • Adam
    April 18, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    its tough to say we all hope for an angry jake type or a “fuck you” dave so im guessing for HH2 that you will eather be drop jawed at how bad it is or completely numb from the pain of bad cinema as with transcendence i think it will just be ok not good not bad just middle of the road

  • Bud
    Bud
    April 18, 2014 at 9:26 pm

    I can’t get two of the pictures, but those are probably the tougher ones. I see Futurama, .hack(not sure the name of it, but it does have the character from the first game) and Cowboy Bebop, episode Brain Scratch.

    And as far as your reaction for HH2…I’ll say negative.

  • April 19, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    just so y’all know…if i had been drinkin’ when i saw Alex’s piece on HEAVEN, dat muthafukka woulda owed me a new laptop

  • Mistress J
    Mistress J
    April 19, 2014 at 2:49 pm

    HA! I just noticed: The cropped movie pic of “Heaven Is For Real” used for the title card looks like the shot from Close Encounters of the Third Kind —

  • April 20, 2014 at 10:22 am

    i know all of the images in Mistress J’s infographic…but i’m not telling

  • Cody Rivera
    April 21, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    I really want to punch Marlon wayans in the face just from this trailer, and is there a way to just strip the entertainer part out of Cedric’s name?

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