Articles
Now Reading
Movies for the Week of December 13th, 2013

Walking With Dinosaurs
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
47 Ronin
Best Night Ever

Walking With Dinosaurs


walkingwithdinosaursposternewsmallGlenn Criddle: Well this is interesting, we’ve been presented with two trailers for the same movie this week and Alex sounds shocked/amused…… okay, here we go with trailer number one. What do we have, slightly cartoonish CGI which is further betrayed by the live action backdrops, disappointing but not entirely damning… we also have what looks like a fairly violent depiction of dinosaur life which is surprising in a film that seems to be aimed at kids and most surprisingly no dialogue! Can this be? Has Disney actually made this movie without resorting to entirely anthropomorphising the dinosaurs? I may actually be not entirely repelled by the idea of going to see this film, and that’s saying something for a 3D film with fake looking CGI I mean yeah it obviously has some characterisation and interspecies interaction that goes into human territory but hey it’s a kids film and at least it’s not too intrusive. Now why did Alex give us the second trailer? Because although it’s literally the same film it’s actually a completely different film to the one the previous trailer was selling us. H..O..L..Y F..U..C..K!

The last time I saw a trailer entirely change the look and tone of the film it was presenting it was in a parody trailer of Kubricks classic The Shining.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eW1scLlKLMQ

Yes, this piece of shit has been given the typical treatment with quasi comedic voice acting reducing what may have been an interesting idea down to (or possibly below) the level of ‘Ice Age’. Good grief this looks horrible, they could have had an interesting film that merged a semi documentary approach with a kid friendly narrative without going down the road of treating the audience like fucking morons. Having this in any way related to the original BBC series is deeply, deeply cynical and insulting to that series. I do wander if there will be two versions and whether or not the voiceless version may have been the original idea. At this point I don’t know but I have the deep suspicion that the voice over version is a studio decision. WOW! I am genuinely shocked and surprised at the vast difference between these two trailers, they are worlds apart. I’d go see the film the first one promised quite happily but the one with voice acting…not even if a T’Rex demanded it in John Leguizamo’s voice.

Alex Jowski: This is a lot like the case of that “Penguin King” movie with Tim Allen from a week or two ago.  On the one hand you have what could be a very insightful documentary about the lives of dinosaurs through the use of CGI. It’s something that would definitely appeal to me and that’s the impression I get from the first trailer.  Then you have the TV Spot which tells the horrible, painful truth about this movie… the dinosaurs fucking talk.  No… they don’t just talk, they tell goddamned POOP JOKES!  You hear a lot about how “dumb” American audiences are – that they eat up the stupidest shit movies ever (*cough The Starving Games *cough).  Maybe American audiences are like that because Hollywood studios insist on pushing that image upon them.  There are people that can watch a documentary, there are people that value education and insight.  But movie studios take that opportunity away and replace it with talking dinosaurs and poop jokes.  American audiences are not ALLOWED to see documentaries because the studios want us all to be fucking mindless zombies eager to buy whatever their conglomerate is shilling this week.  “We don’t want these people to see something where they can LEARN, no… because then they might develop an education and then think for themselves and NOT buy our bullshit.  Quick, toss in a dinosaur stepping into poop!”

Also… why did that fucking bird have to be named Alex?

Scott A McArthur: “The greatest 3D event in a hundred million years.” I do not doubt that.

Charley McMullen:  My interest waned almost immediately after the dinosaur vomited to feed its young.  They shouldn’t have used that right out of the gate.  This looks like it’s for kids and adults that are way into dinosaurs, and I’m not sure there are enough adult, movie-going people out there that are that into dinosaurs.  If I’m not mistaken, though, I believe Walking with Dinosaurs was a live entertainment, Icecapades kind of thing about 5 years ago that people would see with a bunch of gigantic animatronic dinosaurs that are actually there in the arena.  That seems fine, if you’re into that, but it also seems like this 3D movie is trying to sell people on the same thing, but with a version that only looks like it’s really there.  Fuck that.

Mike White: This is the trailer that I originally saw and was actually intrigued to see Land Before Time as a computer generated film. This isn’t the shit that I keep seeing on TV where all of the dinosaurs have cartoon voices. Knowing that they’ll be dubbing all of these lizards, I’ll opt to not ever see it, thank you very much.

mister X: trailer #1 shows an epic, wordless adventure…
trailer #2 shows a kid-friendly buddy pic fulla banter for all ages

i’d rather see the flick from trailer #1…even tho’ i heard this in my head the WHOLE TIME:


The TonninaRAWR!!!! RAWR RAWR!!! RAWR RAWR RAWR!!!!! How on earth could I pass up on a movie featuring one of my favorite things?! DINOSAURS!!! And the main Dinosaur is a close relative of my favorite dinosaur the Protoceratops.  This movie looks a lot like that Dinosaur movie from Disney back in 2000.  It’s got the “real” scenery with the “fake” Dinosaurs;  I like that style.  I won’t be seeing it in 3D unless I have to, but that’s only because 3D hurts my eyes and the glasses are uncomfortable to wear over my real glasses.  I love dinosaurs and I will be seeing this movie, no question!!  Kevin mentions that it reminds him of Land Before Time!

Josh Hadley
: First off, fuck this “movie”, yeah I put that in quotes because this is not a movie, this a Disneyland or Universal ride for 90 minutes (I know it’s made by FOX, shut up). It’s all CGasms and ohh ahh at the FX, in fact the only “story” I saw in this was the exact same story Disney has told hundreds of times only this time with Dinosaurs. Second, fuck this “movie”.

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty


secret-life-of-walter-mitty-posterGlenn Criddle: I actually like the look of this. The trailer does look a little chaotic but I love the approach of living in this guys head and being part of his fantasies of being special. It’s something I’d go see, hopefully it won’t get screwed up. It does look stylishly shot (and not just for the sake of looking artsy as far as I can tell) and it’ll be interesting to see Stiller in a rather different role.

Alex Jowski: Of all the stories I read in middle school, James Thurber’s The Secret Life of Walter Mitty was one of my favorite and I’m eager for this adaptation that seems to take itself seriously enough and hold at least to the spirit if not the exact word of the source material.  It’s got a very unique look and that is a huge plus.  If any story required the heavy use of CGI it would be this one as the story is about imagination and fantastical things that simply do not exist.  From the trailer I get the impression there is a lot of innovative use of CGI and a clear vision from the director.  Also, I like Ben Stiller as both the star and the director of this film; it’s a good project for him and I’m glad to see him expanding artistically.  What, would you rather he be working on Zoolander 2?  Oh… wait.

Scott A McArthur: I dunno, this is the only one of the three trailers I’ve seen for this movie that actually makes it look genuinely good. I do think Ben Stiller is a funny guy, a charismatic enough actor, and a decent, if not, somewhat gifted director. But, every other piece of promotional material I see for this movie make it look a little bit too adorable to a little bit too grating. And, really, it kinda makes me just not care for seeing a movie that I might actually enjoy. My small bit of curiosity is stamped out before it could grow. At least I do like the song in the trailer, does that count for something?

Charley McMullen I never saw the 1947 film starring Danny Kaye.  He was a bit too much of a schmaltzy song-and-dance man for my taste and I’m not familiar with this movie at all, so this is a rare instance when another remake is not going to offend me as much as it usually does.  Judged just as a trailer, however, this comes off as the most pretentious piece of self-important shit I’ve seen for quite some time.  This was pretty much a music video selling this movie based solely on who’s in it and all the magnificent locations in it.  The only hint of a plot that this studio charitably chose to give us was that the protagonist’s life is better when he daydreams.  That is true for 100% of all people that are alive.  Not really challenging anyone’s ideas about that.  This trailer was just shoving a lot of cinematography down my throat, almost demanding that I see it because of how expensive it looks.  This is another one that I’m not going to see out of spite.

Mike White: This movie has two strikes against it.  1) I dislike 99% of Ben Stiller’s work. 2) I’ve never been a big Danny Kaye fan either and have never felt the desire to see the original Walter Mitty.  So, the idea of a remake of a movie I never cared to see with an actor who I usually can’t stand doesn’t make me want to run out and plunk down $6 for a matinee screening.

That said, this trailer is highly effective. I’m reminded a lot of the only Will Ferrell movie I’d ever watch a second time; Stranger than Fiction. I suppose it’s that there’s a quest involved in this, the idea of Mitty working with Sean Penn’s character to solve a mystery while he makes a new man of himself.

mister X: i LUV the look of this flick (stylized set design always catches my eye), but if i wasn’t aware of the original story (and the fact that it inspired phillip k dick to write what became TOTAL RECALL) i’d have NO CLUE what it’s about

judgement reserved til i see it…at some point

The Tonnina: This movie was directed by Ben Stiller so I’m more inclined to see it than if someone else directed it.  It seems like he is diving into a little bit more than just acting and comedy which is refreshing.  This movie seems like something he’s been thinking of doing for a while.  This Walter guy is nearly invisible and imagines these wild situations… then he finally has had enough and just acts on them… I think… It’s hard to follow, but I gather that he will snap and starts being the adventurer he’s always imagined… That or he has finally gone insane and visiting these places in his head.  It looks fun, harmless, and magical… My kind of film.

Josh Hadley: Sigh… I will say it again as I have far too many times in the past… BEN STILLER CAN NOT ACT, HE IS JUST HORRENDOUS ON THE SCREEN… now that I have gotten that out… about this… this… thing (again, this is not a movie, but a loose collection of scenes, not the same thing) actually offended me with the blatant product placement, the overuse of CGI and frankly the lack of… well, ANYTHING to it.  This movie fuck.

47 Ronin

47-ronin-posterGlenn Criddle: Seems fun enough, Lots of action and a bit of a story to go with it. Keanu Reeves is usually fun enough to watch so why the hell not. I can’t say I’m overly excited to go see it but I’m fairly confident it’ll be a decent way to kill a couple of hours without feeling bad about it.

Alex Jowski: While this does have the look of something that will be a fun watch on the big screen, for me it’s more of a wait for DVD kind of story.  Although the story is rather epic and it’s presentation is grandiose with too much CGI, I don’t think I could get into it at a theater with a bunch of people cheering.  Works for some movies but not this time.  Honestly, I would rather just watch Jet Li in Hero again – that’s a way better movie.  Forget 47 Ronin, watch Hero instead.

Scott A McArthur: I didn’t know that the famous story of the Revenge of the Forty-Seven Ronin, which, you know, actually happened, included bloated mutant giants, ghosts, snake-ladies, spider-ladies, Keanu Reeves, (who is Canadian, don’t cha know) and other weird shit. I guess I’m not complaining because on a level this does look somewhat fun, maybe dumb-fun enjoyable, but it appears as if something is there. I mean, a lot of other historical fiction movies have weird, over-the-top, or even silly fantasy scenes, or elements. If 300 counts, then why can’t this? And, you know, 300 sucked. So, maybe this will suck, too.

Charley McMullen:  No thanks.  This looks like all the CGI grab-assing of Kung Fu Hustle with absolutely zero humor, so why should I give a fuck?  CGI -as I see it- is used to make potentially cartoonish situations appear even more so (used to great success in comedies like the aforementioned Stephen Chow tour de force), or to impress simple-minded people who don’t care that it’s all tacked-on or that the movie they’re watching is little more than a trade conference showcase for whoever has the best computers.  I know there is a sizeable audience for this kind of shit, so it will do just fine without me.  Enjoy!

Mike White: Of all the samurai films I’ve seen, I’ve never watched any of the interpretations of 47 Ronin.  However, I have a feeling that none of them operate as mixtures of 300, House of Flying Daggers and Man with the Iron Fists.  Frankly, I’m kind of sick of white guys being saviors to other races, especially Asians.  If I were to watch this movie in a theater, I would drive the other patrons nuts by constantly saying, “I know kung fu,” in my best Keanu voice.

mister X: i was(at best) mildly intrigued…til the crappy CGI totally turned me off

but it did inspire THIS:

47 ronin

 

The Tonnina: I don’t buy Keanu as a Samurai… This movie has some strong fantasy elements in it, but I’m not sure why Reeves playing a Samurai… It doesn’t make much sense to me. His bored face is just… so bored!  I’m not saying I’m avoiding this movie, but I don’t have any plans to go see it…

Josh Hadley
: We can’t have a historical legend about ferners without somehow making a white man the savor of them all, I mean that would not play well in mercia would it, yellow people that save themselves without the help of the round eye? Blasphemy. Also, again, this is not a “movie”, this is a cartoon that happens to have some live people in it… the director himself said up to 70% of this film was made in post… then you made a cartoon, not a “movie”. Movie fuck this

Best Night Ever


Glenn Criddle: Worst Movie Ever? This is a film that seems to exist to entirely dispel any notion that women are naturally superior to men. This kind of thing was moronic in The Hangover and Project X when it was the guys who were the brain dead arseholes we were supposed to get behind and just because this time it’s pretty girls doing exactly the same doesn’t make it any more special or clever. This looks awful in painful ways with the crassest of humour and frankly squirm inducing visual jokes that I imagine will cause more apologetic and embarrassed laughter than it will genuine laughs. Welcome to the ‘ladette’ film of the winter, I can’t imagine it’ll get any better than the trailer and I dread how much worse it will be in its entirety.

Scott A McArthur: A found-footage, HANGOVER-cum-SPRING BREAKERS parody from Friedberg and Seltzer. That sounds like an awful lot of boxes checked off the list pretty swiftly. Really, guys, I can’t see what could possibly be bad about this… Like, at least their references are a bit more timely… Uh, and, maybe we can say their branching out? Whatever, I have the fortunate have having never seen any of many wretched Friedberg/Seltzer collaborations, and I’m certainly not going to start here.

Charley McMullen You can all shove this right up your ass.  Fuck the way-past-retarded filmmakers (Satan’s Fluffers themselves, not surprisingly) that never, at any point, thought “Maybe the world doesn’t need another found footage movie starring a bunch of people we could pay little to no money -because actual actors would want to be paid- with no plot, no jokes and no reason for existing?”  Fuck the glorified minstrel performers who will gladly sell out any progress that’s been made by women in comedy by just flat-out wallowing in all the most sexist, ignorant stereotypes that can be conjured up for the sake of being in a movie.  Any movie.  I will call them menstrual performers.  Most of all, fuck the endless oceans of worthless, sub-intelligent mouth-breathers who are going to flock to this abortion and praise it through the fucking roof. There is a generation of people out there destroying art because at some point comedy no longer had to be funny for clueless morons to convince themselves that they like it, probably for the sake of fitting in with all the other useless assholes who are going to see this.  Affliction T-shirt-wearing motherfuckers who think you’re offended by how far it goes if you don’t like it.  Movies can have all the shit and cock in them as they want, so long as it’s funny.  Lloyd Kaufman -who has more humor in his asshole than these idiots have in their entire bodies- can use shit, cocks, piss, titties, abortions, cum, diarrhea and flatulence -in some cases all in the same scene!- and make the funniest movies I’ve ever seen.  You have to redeem the disgust with laughs.  Just being disgusting for the sake of being disgusting is not enough.  Last week, I liked all four movies, so it seems only right that I be sickened and depressed by all four this week.  With that, balance has been restored to the universe.

Mike White: Best Night Ever seems like Seltzer and Friedberg’s attempt at being original but it’s incredibly derivative; The Bling Ring, The Hang Over, Borat, Spring Breakers, and Bridesmaids seem to be the basis of Best Night Ever.  And, it’s shot like a “found footage” film in order to make the production look even cheaper than any of the aforementioned films. In all, it’s really a Project X with those other movies munged into it. Can it be worse than The Starving Games?  Yes, I think it can.

Alex Jowski:

mister X:

shawshank

The Tonnina: Are… Are people really like that?
And… And do people really go to the movies to see this shit?
No thank you…

Josh Hadley:
I
HA
V
E
LO
S
T
TH
E
AB
I
L
I
T
Y
TO
FO
R
M
CO
H
E
R
E
N
T
SE
N
T
E
N
C
E
S
FU
C
K
MO
V
I
E
TH
I
S

Next Week
Lone Survivor
August: Osage County
Justin Beiber’s Believe
Grudge Match
Leave your thoughts in the comments below
About The Author
Matthew Coats
Matthew Coats

Formerly known under the pseudonym of Alex Jowski.
Site owner, movie aficionado, and film school grad. Matthew Coats presents reviews, some written, some as vlogs, and some as weekly shows, for a variety of different movies and television shows. After years of struggling to get his own projects off the ground amidst the normal routine of living, Matthew Coats decided to create a site in order to share and promote movie reviews, video games and much much more from talented and original people all across the internet.

Leave a Reply