Articles
Now Reading
Movies for the Week of February 14th, 2014

Pompeii
3 Days to Kill
The Wind Rises
Barefoot

Pompeii

pompeii-posterJosh Hadley: Well, that was the worst Deviln/Emmerich trailer I have ever seen… Paul W.S. Anderson? Are you sure? This is exactly how a Deviln/Emmerich joint plays out, with lots of “character” stuff that no one cares about and then a torrent of destruction pron (not a typo) that draws in the yokels with their slacked jaws. You mean this is not historically accurate? To hell with you then…

Mike White: I know this is the trite thing to say but it’s the only thing that goes through my mind while watching this preview, “I know how this movie ends.”

Alex Jowski: It’s Titanic.  A generic and probably thoroughly underwhelming love story set against a massive tragedy where we know they’re all gonna die.  The gladiator falls in love with the high class girl?  Also, they have a black sidekick.  Even in the ancient Roman empire heroes had black sidekicks…. Oh wait, they were called “slaves” and not “sidekicks.”  Boy, is my face red.  Sorry about that.

Martha Page: Jon Snow!  It’s Jon Snow!  Fuckin’ John Snow!  There’s a volcano but shit is Jon Snow fucking HOT!  I would hate this movie but Jon Snow!  I’m watching this for Jon Snow!  Just look at how hot Jon Snow is!

jon snow

 

He’s smokin’ hot!  He lives in this movie because no volcano can stop Jon Snow – he’s hotter than lava.

mister X: i spent more time mulling over the chores i need to do than what was  onscreen as this trailer played…not a good sign-PASS (also not a fan  of the director)

3 Days to Kill

3-days-to-kill-posterJosh Hadley: Kevin (not Michael Keaton as I initially suspected) Costner looks bored, the film looks tired and last I heard they were making a Crank 3, not a remake, so what the hell?

Mike White: Not to be confused with “Three Days of the Condor” or “Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit”, this is Kevin Costner looking at Liam Neeson and saying, “I can do that, too.”

I’m not sure what’s up with Costner’s voice in this. It’s not a Batman, but more of a “old lady who smoked too much” thing.

Costner is poisoned by this very hot girl (Amber Heard) and has to do what she wants to get the antidote. The mix of action and light comedy (as Costner watches over his daughter while being an assassin) initially reminded me, too, of The Professional.  Why wasn’t I surprised, then, to find out that Luc Besson helped write the screenplay, just as he had done for “The Professional” and “Taken”.  Despite myself, I tend to watch all of these Besson films (on DVD or cable) and find some enjoyable bits.  I imagine this will be no different.

Alex Jowski: I’ll admit that this movie does intrigue me a little bit.  The action appears to be fast-paced and fairly entertaining.  I’ll admit the whole daughter angle is a bit off-putting.  Really this is just the divorcee version of True Lies isn’t it?

Martha Page: The only really great movie that Kevin Costner ever did was Waterworld.  I don’t think this assassin on take your daughter to work day is going to change that.

mister X: um, WHEN did kevin costner become an A-lister again?
and more importantly, what happened to SILVERADO costner? he can play wacky when he wants to…but i guess that would involve ACTING

oh yea, the trailer:…meh-looks functional, i guess

The Wind Rises

wind risesJosh Hadley: Line animation is nice to see again, but from the “plot” I could gather this is what aviation fetishists use to get hard? Did I misread that?

Mike White: I’m not a big anime guy and I’ve never seen any Miyazaki. I know them is fighting words in some circles. There’s just something about the animation style that I’m not a fan of. I imagine that some day I’ll catch some Miyazaki and kick myself for not seeing his stuff before. But, I don’t see The Wind Rises as being that initial foray into his work.

Alex Jowski: There was a hashtag trending on twitter yesterday that aptly explains how I feel about all of Miyazki’s perfect films, The Wind Rises included.

#FapMovies

Martha Page: What the fuck is this?  Oh… it’s that Ponyo guy?  Ponyo gave my daughter a ham fetish for weeks – she’s not watching this one and neither am I.  This is supposed to be excellent when all it looks like is a girl who keeps losing hats and almost falling off of stuff while some guy makes stupid airplanes.

mister X: i’ve mentioned on TRAILER PARK before that while i respect the works of STUDIO GHIBLI they’re just not my cup of tea

this trailer did not change that viewpoint

Barefoot

Barefoot_1Josh Hadley: I think I had an aneurism watching this “trailer” for this “movie”… it was a defense against total mental prolapse and cranial inversion. This thing was the most insulting and yet at the same time most shockingly exploitative piece of trash I have yet been subjected to on this site. I am going to go and fuck a midget tranny to get the nasty taste of that out of my mind… palate cleanser if you will..

Mike White: Scott Speedman meets his manic pixie girl, Evan Rachel Wood, in this awkward romantic comedy. I’ll pass.

Alex Jowski: Well, now I know what movie they show to pass the time on the shortbus.  It’s good to know they have a romance movie they can relate to.

Martha Page: It’s Tangled only he has a beard.  A naive girl that’s never left the shelter of her cave finally going out on an adventure and falling in love with a criminal. Live-action and really inferior wannabe Tangled.

mister X: well…THAT exists

sorry to be so blunt, but that looks like a ‘White People Problems™’ movie written in ALL CAPS

Next Week
Non-Stop
Son of God
The Bag Man
Odd Thomas

Leave your thoughts on this week’s movies in the comments below.

About The Author
Matthew Coats
Matthew Coats
Formerly known under the pseudonym of Alex Jowski. Site owner, movie aficionado, and film school grad. Matthew Coats presents reviews, some written, some as vlogs, and some as weekly shows, for a variety of different movies and television shows. After years of struggling to get his own projects off the ground amidst the normal routine of living, Matthew Coats decided to create a site in order to share and promote movie reviews, video games and much much more from talented and original people all across the internet.
5 Comments

Leave a Reply