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Movies for the Week of February 7th, 2014

About Last Night
Robocop
Winter’s Tale
Endless Love

About Last Night

about-last-night-poster02Mike White: Did we do this preview already on Trailer Park or does this just feel like another film? Is this a remake of the Brat Pack film from the ’80s? So many questions and I really don’t care to find out the answers.  I’m glad to see the dude from “Almost Human” showing up but I’m getting a little tired of seeing Kevin Hart show up everywhere. I know I’m talking around this preview a lot and that’s because I’m just not interested in seeing it.

Josh Hadley: I think I am sterile now… that trailer just did that to me. Really Jowski, after all of the fucking “romantic comedies” that you have subjected us too you decide to add THIS one to the mix? If I didn’t know you were gay, I would not even have to accuse you of such, it is clear. The movie itself looks beyond unwatchable, this is like what happens when Waiting To Exhale decides that it’s too upscale for you.

Alex Jowski: Well this was a waste of my goddamn time.  I already avoided the 80s flick with Rob Lowe and Demi Moore because it looked boring.  Now they’ve dressed it up with a new cast and some pop music to try and get me to take the bait but I’m not buying.   The film seems to span the whole life cycle of two separate relationships, but the movie is called About Last Night as if to imply that the whole movie takes place the next day.  I don’t know and I don’t care because I’m not watching this.  Some how David Mamet appears in the credits of this movie even though he clearly had not a goddamn thing to do with this.  It’s based on a movie that itself was based upon a play by David Mamet called “Sexual Perversity in Chicago.”  I’d watch a movie called Sexual Perversity in Chicago but I wouldn’t watch a movie called About Last Night.

Martha Page: A boring romantic comedy.  That’s about all I have to say.  I really don’t do these types of movies.  I know some people are expecting me to say something about this all black cast but I can’t even find the energy to meet that expectation.  This movie doesn’t care so I don’t.

Charley McMullen:  Lots of eye-rolling on this one.  You’re not an easy man to love, Kevin Hart!  Actually, if this move were only about Kevin Hart and Regina Hall’s characters, it might be funny enough to watch.  MIGHT!  I just don’t think I can sit through this all the way through because of how painfully immature it looks.  I am fucking tired of these movies about mind games men and women are supposedly playing with each other all the time.  Real people -i.e. those that are not two-dimensional movie characters- don’t really do that.  In an adult relationship, neither party gives two shits about who said “I love you” first.  None of these sad fuckers are going to make any progress until men and women start looking at each other as equals.  “Whoever said ‘I love you’ first cares more!”  Okay, well, who the fuck cares?!  What is the consequence of that?  That’s not the big revelation this stupid movie is treating it as.  There is no reason to making a big show of pointing out that someone cares more than the other.  That’s true for every relationship that’s ever happened.  I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been married for this long or if it’s just dumb, but I just can’t take these movies seriously anymore, if I ever could.  It’s like when a single friend of mine will try and garner sympathy by telling me about “relationship problems”;  If you can’t figure it out, you deserve to be alone.  Also, this movie appears to have stolen its title from an 80s comedy starring Rob Lowe, Demi Moore and fucking Jim Belushi.  They had the choice to either steal a title, or spend 20 minutes thinking of an original one.  Way to make a fucking effort!  You know, really make that $12 ticket price worth every penny.

mister X: okay i’m torn…
on one hand, i found this pretty amusing as well as kinda realistic based on the folk i hang out with off the intrawebz…BUT, this a remake based on both the play by david mamet called ‘sexual perversity in chicago’ and is adapted from the rob lowe/demi moore 1986 version’s screenplay co-written by tim kazurinsky

THIS tim kazurinsky:
tim

i’m pretty sure NONE of those versions darker edges are anywhere in this one…

Cecil Trachenberg: So they remade About Last Night with an all black cast. That seems to be the other remake trend that is beyond old. Oh well, at least Kevin Hart isn’t acting like Chris Tucker in this one.

Robocop

robocop_poster_p_2013Mike White: I know it’s not the “cool” thing to do but I’m reserving judgment on this film until it comes out.  As a preview, it looks okay. I’m afraid that there are going to be too many echoes of the old film — references that are just going to make me miss the original rather than have me enjoy the remake.  But, as it is, if there were no Robocop in the world except this one, I’d probably still see the film based on the trailer.

Josh Hadley: This is not Robocop, this is a Robocop rip-off that got the rights to use the name, nothing more. EVERYTHING about this is NOT Robocop, from the world it’s set in, to the characters, to the story even to the design, this is NOT Robocop. Robocop is about a man remembering what it’s like to be human and recapturing that which sets us above machines, his humanity battling back from the trauma sustained to it , this though, this is about a man dealing with, not loss, but simply dealing with a new life… not even remotely the same thing and yet they want us to buy that this is the same character and more or less the same movie, do not be fooled though, it is not. The 1980’s Robocop cartoon from Sunbow was a closer version of Robocop than this is and yet this feels even more neutered and watered down, which should be impossible yet there it is.

Alex Jowski: I’ve hated this movie for awhile now and every single thing I see makes me hate it more.   I’ve tried to withhold judgement and say “Well, let’s give this movie a chance,” but it’s kind of hard when every morsel I’ve been handed of this movie is just shit.  I watched clips of this movie with cheap CGI and the most cliched PG-13 action flick direction possible.  It has the fucking nerve to compare itself to the original Robocop film but is so far distanced from it that it’s fucking sick.  This trailer only establishes more how much I am going to hate this movie.  I did my best to improve this movie and that’s the closest I care to get to anything related to this wannabe Robocop.

Martha Page: So it’s a remake?  Whatever.  I never saw the original, never cared to.  Same thing with this movie, it just doesn’t interest me at all.  I’m sure I’ll have to watch it at some point so at least it’s got Samuel L. Jackson in it to make it tolerable.

Charley McMullen:  Having seen the original multiple times as a kid, seeing both of the sequels once and only once, and only having a passing familiarity with the comics, I’m not such a hardcore fan that I’m boycotting this movie and judging its quality before it’s even released.  It is ANOTHER remake, though.  If you don’t have an original story to tell, you should fuck off and not make someone else’s movie, so that’s points against it for being a remake in the first place.  Why do people see remakes?  If you’ve seen the original, you know how it ends.  Pointless.  Willingness to see a movie you already know the ending of demonstrates that you don’t give a fuck about storytelling and that you want to sit in a theatre, shovel popcorn into your fat American face like a fucking trust fund 3rd grader and just see a bunch of colorful and loud shit shoved at you.  It’s that audience that’s ruining movies for the non-retarded segment of the film-going public.  If you haven’t seen the original, fucking rent it.  You won’t have to wait for an arbitrary release date, it’ll cost about a dollar, and you won’t have to get hate-fucked in the eye sockets by all this 3D shit.  Here’s the thing, though:  When Samuel L. Jackson says “This is the FUTURE of American Justice!”, what the fuck does he mean?  Making Officer Murphy into Robocop depended on him being in an accident and being in a situation where he would be Robocop, dead, or in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.  How is that going to happen again in the future?  Are all cops expected to become fucking cyborgs or find other lines of work?  If not, why not just make robots to be police officers that don’t need to be 20% human.  This whole premise is flawed and, given that this was a remake, they had a chance to correct it, but didn’t.  Well done, Hollywood.  You sure don’t disappoint.

mister X: okay…i have tried my best to calmly convey my thoughts about this  coherently as best i can, but i think bunk n’ mcnulty can do it better  than i ever could:


Cecil Trachenberg: No. No no no no no. Ok, first off, I understand remakes are going to happen whether I like them or not. However, could the producers be any more clueless about the source material. I always say that a proper remake needs to take elements from the first film but take them in a different direction. It seems the only thing the producers saw in the original was “this movie is about cop that is turned into a robot!”. If all they wanted was to make an action movie with a cyborg cop they could have just made that movie and called it something else. They didn’t though, they wanted to cash in on the name recognition of the original but still wanted to make a movie with none of the soul of the original. Fuck this movie right in it’s fuckhole.

Winter’s Tale

winters taleMike White: A romance that spans across the ages… I hear that this is based on a book that’s supposed to be pretty good.  The trailer makes it look like The Fountain for dumb people.

Josh Hadley: Akiva Goldsman, that is all you should need to see to know that this will SUCK ASS… I love how they call him “Academy Award Winner Akiva Goldsman” when that award was for rewriting someone else’s script, they leave out that he also “wrote” I Am Legend, Batman & Robin, Lost In Space, Batman Forever and the Da Vinci Code movies… all high pieces of thought provoking art those… Winter’s Tale is easily the worst trailer I have seen in ages and without even seeing the movie I feel this will not be an outside shot to estimate that the movie itself is going to go down in filmdom as one of those embarrassing messes alongside Battlefield Earth, Glitter or Man Of Steel, the kind of movie that people watch and wonder how, simply how, this thing escaped… was it that Goldsman had photos of the studio head fellating a sheep, was is that Goldsman held hostage the very essence of film only to rape it before the eyes of the world, was is that 2 mad scientists from Deep 13 were performing an experiment on a janitor named Joel, or was is that Goldsman made a deal with the devil (this is actually the most plausible scenario)?

Alex Jowski: It seems that Mike White already beat me to the point in saying that this looks like The Fountain for dumb people.  I completely share that sentiment because that’s exactly what this movie look like.  It’s a love story that seems to span ages and there might even be a metaphor or two tossed in the mix.  But while The Fountain was written and directed by a talented artist like Darren Aranofsky, Winter’s Tale is done by Akiva Goldsman who has given us some of the worst movies ever made.  I growled a bit and looked like Russell Crowe when I saw the title “Academy Award Winner Akiva Goldsman” and just imagined the guy standing behind the shoulder of some editor, helping to make this trailer and saying “make sure you put Academy Award Winner above my name.  Make sure you remind people that I sucked enough Hollywood dick once for people to momentarily forget that I wrote Lost in Space.”

Martha Page: I don’t know exactly what’s going on in this trailer.  Colin Ferrell is in love with this girl who looks like Kate Winslet but then he’s apparently immortal or something and finds, what, her rebirthed clone or something?  But Russell Crowe is there in the future too.  He might be death or something, I don’t know.  But there is a strange, off-chance that this might be a horror movie.  I’ll watch it for that, with the hopes that this turns into a horror movie.

Charley McMullen What the hell just happened here?  This trailer, if I understand it correctly, doesn’t explain shit!  If a guy dies and wakes up in a cemetery over a hundred years in the future for some reason, that’s a story a bit more interesting than “These two people love each other a whole, whole lot!”  Seriously, if this is a love story, that’s fine, but when you have a character die in the 1890s and wake up today, you should probably drop some exposition into the trailer to explain it, like, AT ALL!  This may be a good movie (though, with Russell Crowe’s glowering, craggy face, probably not), but it’s being done a disservice by a shitty trailer that doesn’t know which story it’s trying to tell.

mister X: ‘from the writer of BATMAN AND ROBIN…’
sorry…can’t support this even if its good

Cecil Trachenberg: So if Steve Buscemi was robbing that house instead of Colin Farrel would she still have offered him tea instead of calling the police?

Endless Love

endless loveMike White: A pretty girl. A headstrong man. A cover of “Addicted to Love”. It’s either going to be a romance or a horror film. I’m reminded of “Dirty Dancing” without the dancing. I was in danger of falling asleep while this preview was playing.

Josh Hadley: Okay, at what point in this does Bruce Greenwood die? Greenwood rarely survives movies (seriously, I think the guy has died on camera more than any other actor in history) so want to bet he expires here too? I am honestly surprised that this is not a Nicolas Sparks film, it has all of the tragic earmarks of that genre (tragic in that his films have specific earmarks), that said even without Nicholas Sparks this looks beyond horrible, it looks to be worse than trite, it looks to exceed melodrama and move into full fledged “are you fucking with me?” territory.

Alex Jowski: That was the worst fucking cover of “Addicted to Love’ I’ve ever heard.  It offended me.  But what offended me worse than that was this entire trailer.  First I could hardly hear the damn thing and it sounded like everyone was mumbling their lines.  Oh, my speakers were turned up plenty because I could hear that horrible cover of the classic Robert Palmer song but when someone opened their mouth to speak all that came out was “akkfdmmmamadfh.”   I assume it’s a romance story of sorts because of the constant reminder of “This Valentine’s Day”

Which brings me to my second point here.  Fucking Valentine’s Day.  I’ve no problem with the holiday because if people want to be in love and have their special “I love you” day beyond an anniversary, they’re welcome to that.  I just hate the marketing of “This Valentine’s Day.”  Almost every single trailer this week assumed that I wanted to watch a romance movie because it’s Valentine’s Day.  No I don’t.  I’ve no significant other in my life right now, nobody to share my love with and I don’t need Hollywood fucking reminding me of this.  “This Valentine’s Day watch other people in love experiencing an emotion that unfortunately nobody wants to share with you.”  Fuck you… I’m watching Robocop this Valentine’s Day just to spite all these fucking romance movies.

Martha Page: That’s the third shitty love movie this week.  Oh, “Valentine’s Day”  That’s not really romantic, to celebrate Valentine’s Day with a shitty movie.  That’s what you do when you want to break up with someone.  “Hey, I just made you watch this shitty movie so you can know that it’s over between us.”  Usually couples spend romantic times like Valentine’s Day with each other, involved in each other and not sitting quietly in a dark room surrounded by strangers and not even looking at one another.

Charley McMullen:  Okay, what do we have here…  A rich and powerful country club guy doesn’t like it when a parking attendant starts fucking his daughter.  Fair enough.  A girl with over-bearing parents whose been made to study every moment of her life discovers sex and decides that she enjoys sex.  I can see that.  A parking attendant sees a rich girl who looks like that and-through the magic of the cinema- finds her desirable.  Well, my world has been rocked and I just don’t know what’s real anymore.  I need a minute.  I just need to…get my head together.  This may be lacking in the way of story, but at least the trailer had a cover of Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love” that made me want to rip my ballsack off to distract myself from the song.

mister X: if i didn’t know this was a remake i’d have NO idea that this was based on that crappy brooke shields movie from 1981…and that’s all i need to know bout this one-pass

~btw, 3 remakes this week…what the hell?~

Cecil Trachenberg: What is this remake week? Fuck sake, they remade Endless Love? They are truly just remaking everything now. 2014 is not off to a good start, this looks like expensive garbage.

Next Week
Pompeii
3 Days to Kill
The Wind Rises
Barefoot

Leave your thoughts on this week’s films in the comments below!
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About The Author
Matthew Coats
Matthew Coats
Formerly known under the pseudonym of Alex Jowski. Site owner, movie aficionado, and film school grad. Matthew Coats presents reviews, some written, some as vlogs, and some as weekly shows, for a variety of different movies and television shows. After years of struggling to get his own projects off the ground amidst the normal routine of living, Matthew Coats decided to create a site in order to share and promote movie reviews, video games and much much more from talented and original people all across the internet.
7 Comments
  • Charley McMullen
    Charley McMullen
    February 7, 2014 at 4:19 pm

    There’s no love for you this week, Hollywood. Move along!

  • demonknight
    February 7, 2014 at 9:45 pm

    Fuck all y’all. Endless Love is how I am spending my Valentine’s Day. I intend to heckle the shit out of it. I mean, it looks gloriously awful. Funny how it’s called Endless Love, but is in fact, a remake of Fear.

    Josh, I thought you liked most of I Am Legend. Why are you using it to bash Goldsmith when there is so much more ammo?

    Also, Martha. Please, for the love of God, watch RoboCop. It is so worth it.

  • Jackson Ossea
    February 7, 2014 at 10:33 pm

    Here’s the thing. I’m not about to argue that the Robocop remake looks good because that would be wrong. But I don’t think that it looks like the terrible mess that many make it out to be either. At worst, it looks like a mediocre and forgettable sci-fi/action flick that just happens to share the name of a classic of the genre. The original still exists so I don’t see the point of getting angry at something that can so easily be ignored.

    If the movie makes a lot of money, and influences how future blockbusters are made, then we have the problem. But, as it stands, I don’t see it happening. I’ve seen way too many people who have such a vile hatred for what the movie looks like that I think it will bomb and be forgotten. Nothing more.

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