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Movies for the Week of January 17th, 2014

I, Frankenstein
The Adventurer: Curse of the Midas Box
Cold Comes the Night
Black Coffee

I, Frankenstein


ifrankensteinexclposterlargeJosh Hadley: This looks to be an amazing fun ride with wild computer effects, casting to die for (Aaron Eckhart is always a welcome face to any studio project) and a story that seems to be grounded in the actual mythos of the Frankenstein story… also they finally get it right and call him FRANKENSTEIN, it always bothered me when people insisted it was “Frankenstein’s Monster” as a possessive, he is the illegitimate son of Dr. Victor Frankenstein in every real way so it stands to reason that the monster would also be Frankenstein. I am very much looking forward to this film and I think it will not, it can not, disappoint by being a CGI extravaganza with no story or heart as I have already seen critics labeling it. This is the movie to stand in line for this very welcome new year.

Alex Jowski: Shouldn’t it be I Frankenstein’s Monster? I mean there’s that line “Frankenstein must be destroyed,” but according to even the trailer “Frankenstein” has been dead for centuries – it’s the monster he created that you feel must be destroyed.  Frankenstein’s MONSTER which, for some reason, looks like a current Ted Danson – in fact I thought it WAS Ted Danson and thought for a moment “Hey, someone gave him a role in a movie again,” but then I realized that, nope, that’s just an Aaron Eckhart with some makeup on.  Well if they ever reboot cheers I know who they can cast.  This movie looks interesting but I fell for this schtick back when Van Helsing disappointed me.  Fooll me once, shame on you… I ain’t gonna let you fool me twice so I’ll wait for DVD.

Cecil Trachenberg: I know a lot of people are going to bash this but I’m looking forward to it. It looks like a cool new spin on the mythos of Frankenstein. Yes, I know the doctor is Frankenstein and he is really Frankenstein’s monster but perhaps they address that in the film. I’m going to see this in the theater.

Mike White: How many assholes… like me… are going to say, “Actually, this should probably be called ‘I, Frankenstein’s Monster'”?

As it is, this looks like someone watched that piece of shit Van Helsing movie a few too many times and thought, “I can fuck around with some famous monsters, too.”  So, let’s get the CGI cranking and do some kind of word-search for plot points with this monstrous (hardy har) movie.

Aaron Eckhart plays a thinner, shorter Frankenstein than we’re used to, facing off against Bill Nighy who is apparently taking a break from the Underworld series for a tick.

Will I be the only one laughing (when I see this on DVD) over lines like “Frankenstein must be destroyed!”?

mister X: the younger me would be chomping at the bit to see this one
the me of today says ‘meh’
i have become old n’ jaded
and i’m COOL with that

The Adventurer: Curse of the Midas Box


adventureerJosh Hadley: My, this looks to be a fun adventure in the vein of Jules Verne with just the right amount of modern grandiose to keep it pumping along. They have finally found a way to make period pieces interesting and moreso to make them straight out fun. Hollywood has always looked to keep the story consistent with the timeframe that it inhabits and I for one will be standing in line for this movie, and if it is as amazing as it looks, multiple times.

Alex Jowski: I’m going to assume that this is based off a novel and is the first in a franchise.  Given how many of these we get that actually never turn into a franchise, I’m just going to wait it out.  If there’s a sequel that must mean the first was worth checking out.  This might go the way of The Golden Compass or Beautiful Creatures or that other one that came out last year that I can’t even remember the name of – City of Night or some shit like that.  All of those were ambitious franchise starters that aimed to be the next Harry Potter or Twilight but instead became the next Avatar: The Last Airbender.  Give me a sequel and then I’ll give you a shot.

Cecil Trachenberg: Interesting but I’m just not feeling it. It had the look of a made for TV movie. I’ll check it out eventually, mostly for Sam Neill.

Mike White: egend tells of a powerful box (snicker, snicker). Sam Neil stars in The Adventurer: The Curs of the Midas Box. This appears to be a mix of the revamped Sherlock Holmes mixed with National Treasure. I have a feeling that this was supposed to be released to TBS as a prequel to The Librarian series but Noah Wyle wasn’t available.

mister X:
er…what was that? have to say that i am CONFOUNDED as to who the target audience is for this: SHERLOCK HOLMES fans who also read HARRY POTTER?
i have…no thoughts on this one, strangely
it was just…there

Cold Comes the Night


Cold-Comes-the-Night-Poster-HDJosh Hadley: Okay, now this… why did this not come out before 2014 rolled in, therefore making it eligible for the Oscars in 2013? This would have won them ALL, even the ones it was not nominated in, this movie looks so good it WILL, mark my words, sweep the 2014 Oscars straight out.  Cold Comes The Night is also a title that lets you know exactly the kind of quality feature you are getting, I love this, LOVE IT.

Alex Jowski: Did I just see Bryan Cranston speaking in an accent and playing a Russian mobster?  Because if I did..

shut-up-and-take-my-money

 

Cecil Trachenberg: While the premise isn’t entirely original it looks very well done. Plus, Bryan Cranston and Alice Eve. Sold.

Mike White: And, if you didn’t know, Heat Comes to the Day.

Bryan Cranston tries out a Russian accent in this cat and mouse thriller about a bag of money. I have a feeling that this is going to be like The Hitcher Lite.

mister X:
COLD COMES THE NIGHT…and QUICK COMES THE SNARK

my apathy is palpable for this one-looks like a LIFETIME original movie shot by a guy who’s won a bunch of CLIO awards but never directed a feature

Black Coffee


Black-Coffee-posterJosh Hadley: FINALLY, an accurate portrayal of the middle class black man… and one that seems to be set in the really real world… FUCK THIS… realistic dialog surrounded by captivating performances… NO, I CAN’T DO IT… and with direction that signifies the struggle of the black male in today’s world… NO, NO, I TRIED JOWSKI, I TOOK THOSE PILLS YOU GAVE ME ALL BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO APPEASE THE WHINY SHITS THAT THINK I AM TOO NEGATIVE AND THAT I DON’T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY… BUT NO, I WILL NOT PRETEND TO BE SOMETHING I AM NOT SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY CAN’T TAKE A JOKE AND DON’T SEE HUMOR WHEN PRESENTED WITH IT… I REITERATE, LOSE MY NUMBER AND DON’T THINK YOU CAN PATCH THIS UP WITH ME, DIE BY GETTING RAPED WITH A RUSTY CHAINSAW WIELDED BY A RE-ANIMATED BABIES SCROTUM.

Alex Jowski: Wasn’t there a movie that came out last holiday season called Black Nativity which was about black people at Christmas.  Now we have this movie called Black Coffee which is about *gasp* black people drinking coffee.  Why do we need these exploitation style titles for non-exploitation movies?  We had both The Butler and 12 Years a Slave come out to major critical acclaim – and neither of them needed to tell you the color of their cast in the title of the movie.  People didn’t watch The Black Butler or 12 Years a Black Slave – they watched movies that approached a race heavy topic without the need to remind it’s audience that “HEY – this is about the colored folk!”

This trailer made a reference to Waiting to Exhale.  No sane person references that movie because it was a piece of shit.  Black people thought it was a piece of shit too.  The only people who seriously reference Waiting to Exhale are the desperately ignorant who believe that “there were black people in that movie so that means black people like it – they’ll get that Waiting to Exhale joke and laugh.”  But this movie was written and directed by Mark Harris who is a black guy and, apparently, the one and only person that watched and somehow enjoyed Waiting to Exhale enough to reference it in a movie.  Waiting to Exhale has a 5.5 on imdb – about the same as Big Momma’s House.  One person on imdb said of Waiting to Exhale.

As a middle-aged black man, I found this to be one of the most ridiculous films I’ve seen in some time.

So how in the hell is your reference to Waiting to Exhale going to ring true to any audience.  Who the FUCK is going to watch this movie and say “Did you hear that honey?  They just mentionedWaiting to Exhale so we KNOW this movie is gonna be good!” Forest Whitaker is a wonderful actor and, sure, he got snubbed at the Oscars this year for The Butler but he’s won plenty of awards in the past – because people choose to forget that he directed a piece of shit like Waiting to Exhale.  I mean this was a biased, hateful movie where Whitney Houston and Angela Bassett played a pair of man-hating hags.  But Black Coffee takes it upon itself to make a witless little reference to Waiting to Exhale because it’s made is some fantasy world where people LIKED that movie.  Sorry, I can’t make my logic jump rails that radically to assume a world where even a passing interest in Waiting to Exhale could possibly exist.  No sale.

Cecil Trachenberg: Oh I get it black coffee. When did the Hallmark channel start making movies in conjunction with BET? It looks like typical romance fare. At least its not another Madea movie.

Mike White: Unfortunately, this is not a sequel to COFFY.  Instead, it’s an African American dramedy that apparently will be very plodding and stars a bunch of people I’ve never heard of before. Even the preview for this movie is slow.

mister X: um…why is everyone looking at ME after this trailer?!?

here’s the thing: if this movie avoids getting ‘jesus-y’ and doesn’t throw any bones to the braindead MADEA generation, then i think this could be a nice little antidote to the kind of poisonous films studios ASSUME the black audience wants

but it also looks…harmless and y’all know me-i don’t DO ‘harmless’

Next Week
Labor Day
That Awkward Moment
Gimme Shelter
Enemies Closer
About The Author
Matthew Coats
Matthew Coats
Formerly known under the pseudonym of Alex Jowski. Site owner, movie aficionado, and film school grad. Matthew Coats presents reviews, some written, some as vlogs, and some as weekly shows, for a variety of different movies and television shows. After years of struggling to get his own projects off the ground amidst the normal routine of living, Matthew Coats decided to create a site in order to share and promote movie reviews, video games and much much more from talented and original people all across the internet.

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