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Movies for the Week of December 20th, 2013

Lone Survivor
August: Osage County
Justin Beiber’s Believe
Grudge Match

Lone Survivor

Lone_Survivor_PosterJosh Hadley: This was not a movie trailer, this was a 3 minute commercial for why mercia is the best and why you should join the Navy today… come on kids, you get to be a hero while set to sappy music, with overtly jingoistic overtones and when you come back in a body bag from fighting a pointless war that was started for the sole purpose of money and expansion of power, you will always be remembered as that guy who died so a fat cat could keep oppressing your family. You are nothing more than a future dead solider to them anyway, might has well at least THINK you are making a difference right?

Alex Jowski: YVAN EHT NIOJ?  No that would would be too subtle and this “movie trailer” is anything but subtle.  In fact it opens with that whole “I am blah blah blah, I am blah blah blah I am a NAVY SEAL!”  This is a commercial, no different than last year’s big military push Acts of Valor.  Hell, even the poster for this movie says “Based on true acts of valor,” which means the same damn thing.  The tagline is oddly fitting, “Live to tell the story.”  Who is the Lone Survivor in this story?  The Lone Survivor is YOU – after you see this movie and get gung ho about ‘MURICAN patriotism you join the military to defend our country from imaginary foes.  You’ll be sent on some operation and will see all your friends killed – but you will “Live to tell the story,” because you are the Lone Survivor.

Mike White: Marky Mark, what happened? Your face is looking really heavy in this preview. Is it the beard? Or did you gain weight for this role?  Seems like a pretty good cast but I have absolutely no interest in watching this as it feels like it’ll be a propagandistic piece of American hatriotism.

mister X: it looks…competent, i guess-just not feelin’ it

Charley McMullen:  This sounds like a title that was conceived really close to 5:00 PM on a Friday.  A title so shitty I may not be able to get past it.  There are at least 4, maybe 5, protagonists we’re supposed to be keeping track of here.  Where exactly is the “Lone Survivor”?  After watching the trailer, it turns out there’s not much worth getting past to.  This is a by-the-numbers war movie that, in addition to a true story, also seems based on every other war movie ever made.  Pass

Cecil Trachenberg: I was kind of into it until they got to the whole hostage situation. From then on I knew everything that was going to happen. It looks ok. I’ll see it eventually.

Iason Skullsaber: EY! It must be time for a new war propaganda film, we only get one every other week…..and….nope, not feeling it…..No sale

August: Osage County

August-Osage-County-PosterJosh Hadley: Nope… this movie is made for people that are NOT me… frankly this movie looks AWFUL and a waste of a good cast (minus Julia Roberts, I fucking hate her and she can’t act for shit so she is always a waste).

Alex Jowski: Meh.  It could be good though I get a terribly painful Steel Magnolias vibe off of this with shades of Terms of Endearment and I hated those movies because I don’t have the required equipment to enjoy them; that equipment of course being ovaries.  There’s most of a good cast here.  Meryl Streep looks to actually EARN an Oscar nod with this flick this year based upon talent instead of the fact that she’s Meryl Streep.  Abagail Breslin, Chris Cooper, Ewan MacGregor, Juliette Lewis and Sam Shepherd are also all enjoyable and talented performers.  I’d ALMOST watch this movie… except it’s a damn fucking shame that Julia Roberts has to be in this movie.  I fucking hate that fucking woman.  I hate the characters she plays (or rather the same fucking two-dimensional bitch in every movie) and I hate the way she plays them.  Every movie she’s in, RUINED. Erin Brokovitch could have been a great story about Albert Finney as a lawyer struggling to fight a corporation but NOPE – Julia Fucking Roberts.  Pretty Woman might have been a good love story about a guy who falls in love with a prostitute – but that prostitute had to be goddamn Julia Roberts.  August: Osage County could be a great family drama… but then there’s Julia Roberts.

Mike White: Feels like this one should have been released a few months ago. Say, in August.

It also feels like I’ve seen this movie before. The crotchety matriarch, the fighting kids. Either this is a familiar movie trope or I’m thinking of my Thanksgiving dinner.

This is far more a movie for my mom than it is for me.

mister X:

white people




Charley McMullen The titles are not getting any better as we move forward.  This looks a lot like Steel Magnolias, only after the death instead of spending the whole movie leading up to one.  This has a very solid cast, apart from Julia Roberts, of whom I’ve never been much of a fan.  For all the shit I’ve slung at Meryl Streep, she actually looks like she’s giving a really good performance here.  Also, Chris Cooper.  We’re lucky to have him.  I can’t see paying money to see it on the big screen, because it doesn’t look like a lot would be lost in the translation to a TV screen.  I might check this out on cable next year.

Cecil Trachenberg: Good cast, I just don’t care.

Iason Skullsaber: There is nothing in this movie that I could even imagine giving a fuck about….No sale.

Justin Bieber’s Believe

justinJosh Hadley: Well, that is 2 minutes and 24 seconds I have never hated something more… when you make Meada movies look preferable, you have failed as both pop culture and as a film. Why can’t this little dyke just die already?

Alex Jowski: Well this was goddamned trite.  Some key quotes from the trailer:
“You always gotta keep a smile on your face.  It’s all about positivity.”
No shit, Sherlock.  You think a teen pop idol got anywhere based upon their personal negativity?  No crowd of screaming tweens is going to pay to see a show where some singer hate fucks the audience with angst.  You’re Justin fucking Bieber, not GWAR.
“It’s for the fans.  That’s who I do this for.”
Of course your agency is going to make you say that.  I mean, it IS all about the money but – Shhhh, we can’t tell THEM that, can we?
“Go back to America!”
Or Canada, you know, because that’s where Justin Bieber is from.  In fact I’ve been shouting “Go back to Canada” at the kid for awhile now; we don’t want him here.
“Believe in yourself.  Believe that you can do anything you set your mind to.”
The most trite phrase that has ever been used in any movie/documentary/motivational speech ever.  That’s why Justin Bieber is a huge pop star above billions of other people, right?  Because he’s the only person in the world that believes in himself?  Anne Frank believed in herself too.  Go fuck yourself, Beebs.

Mike White: Usually when a movie title has a name in front of it, it’s the director, like John Carpenter’s The Thing.  Did Justin Bieber direct this film?  No, Jon M. Chu did.

I seem to remember this movie when it was called “Lonely Boy” and starred Paul Anka back in 1963. I just hope that this has Justin’s trip to Anne Frank’s house in it.

mister X:



Charley McMullen I made it 31 seconds, then he sprouted wings and flew away, then I reevaluated my life choices.  THEN, Just as I was about to turn it off, drive to Jowski’s house, and ask him to his face why he hates us all so much, I heard a voice yell “Go back to America!”.  I then thought this might cover a bit of the Beiber Backlash we’ve all been enjoying, but it’s not.  This is a big fucking puff piece almost begging us to forget what he said about Anne Frank.  He’s just a kid after all.  Fuck this.  Justin Beiber may or may not be around for a while, but he’s very easy to ignore.  If this feature-length adaptation of a Vanity Fair article tanks the way I hope it will, he’ll be even easier to ignore.  Enjoy him while you can, kids.

Cecil T: Fuck this kid in his fuckhole.

Iason Skullsaber: Alex, You sonnovabitch

Grudge Match

grudge-match-posterMike White: Oy, I’ve seen this preview three times now and that’s three times too many. The special effects of young Sylvester Stallone make me cringe as well as the witty repartee between Kevin Hart and Alan Arkin.

Certainly, people are going to tune in to Stallone being Rocky but how many of them are going to remember Raging Bull?  An embarrassing few, I imagine.

mister X: yea…i ain’t seeing that

Charley McMullen:  Against all rational instincts, this is looking more and more like something I want to see.  The teasers and TV spots are doing a massive disservice to this movie.  With all the plot elements in context, this looks pretty good.  Kevin Hart and Alan Arkin are both really funny, and there was a hint at the end that they were given room to riff like a couple of champions.  I just hope all the good parts weren’t in this trailer.  It looks like a boxing movie with a brain, which is familiar territory for Stallone and…maybe DeNiro won’t be as terrible here as he’s been in just about every movie he’s done since Wag The Dog.  Crossing fingers for you, Bobby!

Cecil T: I can hear the pitch meeting now…Ok, we get Rocky to fight Raging Bull. Only thing is, they’re old! I like Stallone and I’m good with DeNiro (when he picks movies that aren’t garbage) but this doesn’t interest me.

Iason Skullsaber:
What in the fuck was that? Does De Niro just do anything as long as the check clears? And Stallone…well, He is taking himself way less serious these days after doing years of the opposite, so I’ll cut him slack.

Josh Hadley: I said it back when that, what was it, Bullet To The Brain, movie came out, that I am sick of these old action stars making movies about about being old action stars, this is a sickening trend that was never funny to start with and so far beyond funny now that it is insulting.  Fuck these movies and fuck any of you that think this looks good.

Alex Jowski:

Next Week
The Invisible Woman
Beyond Outrage
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones
Open Grave

Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

About The Author
Matthew Coats
Matthew Coats
Formerly known under the pseudonym of Alex Jowski. Site owner, movie aficionado, and film school grad. Matthew Coats presents reviews, some written, some as vlogs, and some as weekly shows, for a variety of different movies and television shows. After years of struggling to get his own projects off the ground amidst the normal routine of living, Matthew Coats decided to create a site in order to share and promote movie reviews, video games and much much more from talented and original people all across the internet.

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