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Movies for the Week of March 14th, 2014

Muppets Most Wanted
Nymphomaniac: Volume 1
Rob the Mob

The Muppets Most Wanted

muppetsmostwanted526ecae2bfbadMike White: I haven’t seen a Muppets movie since they took Manhattan. Needless to say, I haven’t seen any of them since the voices changed after Jim Henson’s death. I don’t think that I can handle seeing some of my favorite characters with voices that are a little (or a lot) “off”. It’s like watching Warner Brothers cartoons after Mel Blanc died.

Josh Hadley:I hated the “first” one (the reboot or whatever the shit it was) and this looks to be Ernest Goes To Jail done with (P)Muppets. The human cast is made up of actors who’s very presence infuriates me (seriously, I don’t think I have ever seen Ty Burnell in anything where I have not wanted to punch him just for being on camera) and other than Danny Trejo I see nothing that looks the least bit interesting here.

Martha Page:  I will never watch this.  This movie is banned from this house and I will tell you why.  When I was a little girl there was a cartoon, Muppet Babies and I had nightmares about these little creatures eating the flesh off of people’s legs like the literal and demonic interprtation of the phrase “ankle biter.”  That’s why the Nanny on the show wore such long socks – for protection from these leg-consuming monsters.  Whenever I see anything muppet related it brings back the terror of those nightmares – which is why I will never see anything Muppets.

Alex Jowski: I am on board for this, this all muppet remake of Ernest Goes to Jail. I liked the Muppets when I was growing up, and I really really appreciated the recent revival film.  It’ll be a goofy movie, and it’s chock full of celebrities making a cameo as they do something wacky.  But nothing will ever be better than that moment when Danny Trejo, dressed up like Fozzie Bear, says in the most deadpan tone: “Wakka Wakka”

trejo puppets

Machete Kills… at stand-up comedy

mister X: i grew up on THE MUPPET SHOW-they get an auto-ok from me, but dammit-i  literally laffed out loud more than once to this trailer. THIS is what  ‘family’ entertainment should feel like…inclusive to ALL members of  the family

Cecil Trachenberg:  I can’t wait for this movie to be released. Not because I want to see it but because I am sick and fucking tired of seeing ads for it. Seriously, I have seen trailers for this movie since January. I really don’t care to see this movie at all. The last one was ok but I prefer the old show.


Divergent-posterMike White: Ashley Judd and Kate Winslet in a movie together?  Ten years ago, that was the most “fappable” scenario I could think of.  Now, they’ve been relegated to the mom and villain roles respectively and the main character is a teenage girl. No fapping now.  I can’t really tell what the heck is happening in this movie. I can tell that it’s a bunch of rebel kids fighting against the system but I’m not sure what the system is. The first time I saw the preview I thought it was for The Giver at first.

Josh Hadley: Oh what has The Hunger Games wrought upon society (itself birthed from the diseased womb of Twilight)? These teen adventure novels being turned into bland, lifeless, shockless, pointless films have to stop, this had to cease. THIS ENDS NOW.

Alex Jowski: Remember when Twilight was popular and, whether you liked the movie or not you were assailed with a hundred million knock-offs.  There was a whole section at bookstores for “Paranormal Teen Romance” novels and all of them were part of a series of books.  Then Hollywood got involved and every other week you would see an advertisement for a teen paranormal romance that claimed to be “based on the worldwide bestseller.”  As is the nature with popular media – every fad is replaced with another.  Now we have the new craze of “Teen Dystopian Romance” thanks to The Hunger Games.  This movie is also based on a book which is first in a series (the other two are called Insurgent and Allegiant and have, suprisingly, been green-lit for production).   Twilight spawned attempted cinematic adaptations of series such as Mortal Insturments and Beautiful Creatures which were all seemingly aborted after the first film.  I guess it says something about the stronger staying power of the “Teen Dystopian” fad kicked off by The Hunger Games that even the first similarly themed project is actually getting a full adaptation of the series.

Martha Page: I’ll read the book first.  I’m intrigued as it really bears a striking resemblance to The Hunger Games which I enjoy as well as one of my favorite novels of all time, The Giver.  I’ll give it a shot but with any movie that’s based on a book I would really like to read the book first.

mister X: i know nothing of the book, but that trailer was so ‘on the nose’ it  could be played by buddy hackett


Cecil Trachenberg: Surprised to see Shailene Woodley in such a high profile production. She left The Secret Diary of the American Teenager to be in Spider-Man 2, then all her scenes were cut. I was thinking she would probably drift around for a while doing lower budget stuff but good for her, she must have a really good agent. The movie looks kind of cool, even though it is another book to film trying to fill in the Twilight/Harry Potter void. Really impressive cast too. Looks like the studio is all in with this, since they are filming part 2-3 back to back. Glad to see them have some faith in a license for a change. I enjoyed Mortal Instruments more than I thought I would so I have a feeling this should be entertaining.

Nymphomaniac: Volume 1

nymphomaniac-poster-stellan-skarsgardMike White: It seems like sex addiction is the latest vogue in movies.  Maybe had this come out back when Shame was released, it would feel a little more timely.  As it is, this feels like Lars Von Trier trying to push buttons again.  It takes a lot to push my buttons. I’ll probably watch it (especially as it’s available on VOD) but feel that it will take a lot to pay attention to it.

Josh Hadley: pre·ten·tious
adjective: pretentious

attempting to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than is actually possessed.

I will just leave that there without further comment sans this… why does THIS film, with THIS “story” need to be a mulch-segment arc?

Martha Page: Now THAT’S a movie that certainly captures everything about a woman.  I don’t know who this Lars Von Trier is but that’s a pretty odd name for a woman – since only the female of the species could possibly capture femininity this well.

Alex Jowski: Wow… this remake of Looking For Mr. Goodbar is really weird.

Seriously though…. Lars Von Trier is a filmmaker that, for all intents and purposes I should despise.  His film’s are so artsy and pretentious that it should hurt.  He’s Terence Malick with a fancier name it would seem – and more than that.  Hell, von Trier was one of the parties responsible for that shitass “dogma 95” style of filmmaking.  Every reason I hate Terence Malick is every reason I should hate Lars Von Trier.  There’s a moment in this trailer where the entire flow is broken as this gal goes into voiceover talking about the colors of a sunset and I wanted to shout: “What preteen’s dream journal did you steal that line from you fucking hack.”

However Lars von Trier is one of my favorite filmmakers.  Perhaps this is because I find more honesty and creative intent behind his projects.   The thing with von Trier is that he’s always trying something different in the presentation of a story which I suppose is why a film like Dogville is one of my all-time favorites because there’s nothing like it nor could there ever be.  Meloncholia was another movie which felt pretentions at first glance but really has a lot of unique new things to it you would never find with the usual “art house” fare.  Nymphomaniac may have been in sore need of an editor if it’s trimmed down and still needs to be in two volumes.  However I’m sure there’s a good reason for this.  von Trier movies are a hard sell for people and the trailers never do them any justice – so I’ll watch Nymphomanic and hope for Dogville but chances are I’ll probably get Antichrist instead.  Either way, I know that this movie will be unlike something I’ve seen before.

mister X: ahh, lars von trier…one of those film ARTISTES who says ‘fuk entertaining u, THIS IS MY ART!!!!’ look, i don’t mind difficult challenging cinema-i DO mind self-inflating pretension…and this guy revels in it like a pig in slop. so now he wishes to bring explicit sex into film (again)…and once AGAIN instead of a realistic portrayal of one of the DRIVING FORCES OF HUMANITY, it is again presented as a curse, an addiction and BAD!!!! dammit, can one of these artsy-fartsy fukkas just make a flick about sex that’s POSITIVE (besides SHORTBUS)?!?

also-the red band trailer makes it even worse cuz it seems rather obvious that the sex is in there simply to shock (NSFW-got pussylips & fake cum n’ shyt)

Cecil Trachenberg:  von Trier knows how to shoot pretty pictures but he needs an editor who will trim his films properly. I can’t see the need for this to be 4+ hours long, especially when you consider some of his previous works drug on much longer than they should have. I’m intrigued but not in a rush to see this.

Rob the Mob

rob_the_mobMike White: Rob is one man but he can break into a hundred little men that are about 6 inches tall.  He’s a super hero that they call “Rob the Mob.”  Oh, wait, that’s the movie I wanted to see rather than the movie that this trailer describes. I see this as a DVD rental sometime in my future but the presence of Andy Garcia may make me rethink this decision.

Josh Hadley: “Based” on a true story and from what I can gather this is another of those “we made up about %80 of this movie” true stories. That said, I think the movie itself looks rather fun and seems to have a stable of talented actors giving great performances. I would like to see this.

Martha Page:  This looks really really good – my type of movie.  But then it commits a mortal sin by casting Ray Romano.  I suppose he really is an Italian-American actor now that he’s done a movie about the mob but I fucking hate the guy.  “Everybody Loves Raymond”?  Well “Everybody” is wrong.

Alex Jowski: It’s certainly got some potential.  There’s a talented cast and an intriguing story.  Really I’m still mentally exhausted by the Nymphomaniac trailer to give this trailer a fair thought.  I will watch the movie though – it does look good.

mister X: tonally that shyt was all over the place…but it looks like it might  be a light-hearted GOODFELLAS meets a serious GET SHORTY if the  ingredients mesh

Cecil Trachenberg: Not really a mafia movie but still it didn’t do much for me. Interesting premise but not really something I’m into. Looks well done at least.

Next Week
God’s Not Dead
The Raid 2

About The Author
Matthew Coats
Matthew Coats
Formerly known under the pseudonym of Alex Jowski. Site owner, movie aficionado, and film school grad. Matthew Coats presents reviews, some written, some as vlogs, and some as weekly shows, for a variety of different movies and television shows. After years of struggling to get his own projects off the ground amidst the normal routine of living, Matthew Coats decided to create a site in order to share and promote movie reviews, video games and much much more from talented and original people all across the internet.
  • Jillian
    March 16, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    i couldn’t get my entry submitted in time due to personal thingies going on, so i’ll just do a condensed version here NOW:

    Muppets Most Wanted: YAY another Muppets movie. A little concerned that Jason Segal isn’t involved, but it was done by people who worked on the first, so there’s hope!

    Divergent: Hey! that dude has a pokeball tattoo on his back! sweet!

    Nymphomaniac: oh phew, i had thought they said the documentary of me they shot wasn’t going to be released til NEXT year. i was like what the crap?!

    Rob the Mob: i like the title. It sounds like those old kids books i used to read; The Cat & the Mat, Big Rig, Fun with Gum….


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